NO PLAYS EXCHi^NGKIK 



519 
115 



Bamcr.'5 Edition 
or Pl7\y3 

MR. KELLEiTfROM 
KALAMAZOO 



Price, 25 Cents 






THF AMA7ANS I^o® l^ Three Acts. Seven males, live females. 
llUi AiIlAi4 l*? Coetumes, modern; scenery, not difficult. Plays 
a txsll evening. 

THP TAlMltfFT MINICTPI? I^arceiB Four Acts. Ten males, nine 
IOC t^AOUlCI niniDlCK females. Costumes, modem society: 
scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

DANDY DICK ^**"<'® *^ Three Acts. Seven males, four temaiea. 
Costumes, modem j sceneryv two interiors. Playe 
two hours and a hall 

THE fiAY LORD ADEX ^^^'^•^y ^ ^^^ Acts, rour males ten 
A1U( I4 V *^ females. Costumes, modern ; sceuery, 

twc interiors and an exterior. Plays a full evening. 

BIS BODSE IN ORDER comedy m Four Acts. Nine males, fonT 
MUh/ uvvw&( U.LJ vM\Mfm^MM f^jj^i^^^ Costumes, modern ; scenery^ 

three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

TDP HARRY HARSF Comedy tn Three Acts. Ten males, five 
AlUf UVI9I9I uvnk?l4 females. Costumes, modern; scenery easy. 
Plays two hours and a half. 

inic Drama in Five Acts. Seven males, seven females. Costumes, 
moderm ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

I ADY RAENTIlhTIf ^^^^ ^ Four Acts. Eight males, seven fe- 
i^AVl UvviM IUI4 jj^igg^ Costumes, modern ; scenery, four in- 
teriors, not easy. Plays a full evening. 

I FTTY l^*"ft'sia in Four Acts and an Epilogue. Ten males, five fe- 
**^ * males. Costumes, modem ; ecenery comphcated. Plays a 
full evening. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

Salter ^. TBafier & Company 

No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 



Mr. Kelley from Kalamazoo 

A Farce in Three Acts 



MACPHERSON JANNEY 



Notice to Professionals 

This play is published for the free use of amateur players and or- 
ganizations only. Professional actors or companies producing it in 
any form or under any title, without the permission of the author, 
who may be addressed in care of the publishers, will be prosecuted to 
the full extent of the law. 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 
1912 



Mr. Kelley from Kalamazoo 



CHARACTERS 



Clarence Prentice, more or less a gentlema?i of leisure. 
Henry Tetlow, his uncle, a?t impressario. 
Rufe King, his brother-in-law. 

The Rev. Ernest Frey, rector of St. Benedict's, Heathfield Parish. 
Ted Strong, late of the St. Louis ''Nationals.'' 
Ignatz Demarest Rogers, a syncopated genius. 
Barton, butler at the Te flows'. 
Jim, a policeman. 

Madelaine Sanderson, 7V//(72i;'j- ward. 
Mary King, his niece. 
Leslie Hill, late of the *'Folies Bergeres.** 
Students of Raeton College. 

Scene. — Tetlow's home, Raeton. 
Time. — The opening night of college. 




Copyright, I9I2,-eyS. M. Janney, Jr. 

Free for amateur performance. Professional 
stage-right reserved 



©CLD 28977 



0* 



Mn Kelley from Kalamazoo 



ACT I 

SCENE. — Parlor in Henry Tetlow's house. A large ^ hand- 
somely furnished room, fireplace R. c, doorway enter iiig 
from hall back r., entraiices at fro7it R., back l., a?id 
front L. ; French window back l. ; large sofa in front of 
fireplace, table front L., with drop light ; upright piano 
back c, " Victrola'* r., in front of fireplace ; back r. desk 
with telephone, and hat-rack ; L. c. large red screen, tea table 
and chairs, and hanging mirror. 

(As the curtain rises, the stage is in darkness, except for a 
faint glow from the fireplace, and an intermittent red 
glare visible through the French window, ivhich stands 
open. Sounds sy?nbolic of the higher education are heard 
without ; the f?iurmur of majiy voices, near and distant, 
muffled cheers conflicting with one another, snatches of 
time-honored softgs chorused by hoarse masculifie voices, 
the whole more or less in discord. The rattle of a drum 
is heard dying in the distance, and the glare of colored 
lights grows dimmer gradually. A few seconds after the 
curtain rises the telephone bell rings, and persists until 
Barton enters front l.) 

Bar. (crossing r. quickly, bumping into table). Ho, dem 
hit! No lights! (Takes down receiver.) 'Ello ! — Yes, — 
yes, sir, — hit's Barton, sir. — No, sir, 'e's not at 'ome. — No, sir; 
not for the past week, sir. — Hall right, sir. — No message? — 
Very good, sir. — Four six three Main. — Good hevening, sir. 
(Puts down receiver, crosses L. to window and closes it.) My 
word ! Wot a confusion ! One can 'ardly 'ear one's self 
speak ! (Looks out of window.) Hit's well the master's not 
at 'ome, — hit upsets 'im near as much as a telegram ! {Pauses ; 
gasps.) Ho, my word ! That telegram ! (Bustles forward 
and turns up light, hunts through his pockets, finally pro- 

3 



4 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

ducing a yellow envelope.') Ho, dear me ! And hit's been 
'ere since yesterday ! And Mr. King, 'e being so particular, 
too. Oh ! good 'eavens ! 

( The door opetis ; Bar. convulsively grabs at the light and 
turns it out ; Rufe King ejiters back L.) 

King. Hello, what's wrong with the lights ? I thought' 



See here, who's that there? Oh, Barton? Well, why the 
deuce don't you turn up the lights? 

Bar. (Jur fling on light). Yes, sir; Hi Hit was hout 

of order, sir, and Hi was only hexperimenting a bit, sir. 

King. Oh, I see. Well, you'd better let me do all the 
experimenting in that line; a hundred and ten volts would 
finish you pretty quick. Any mail? 

Bar. No, sir. 

King. Strange; I haven't heard at all from Uncle Hen! 
( The tioise outside is increasing every moment, seeming to have 
the house as its goal. King crosses back l.) Good thing he 
isn't here for these goings on. By Jove, but they're whooping 
it up ! Barton, where's Mrs. King? 

Bar. Hin the library. Hi think, sir. 

King. Thanks. {Crosses r.) Oh, I suppose Mrs. King 
told you to hold dinner until half- past eight? Good! I 
hardly think Mr. Tetlow would come without letting us know, 
but we will wait till the eight-fifteen is in. 

Bar. Very well, sir. {Exit King, r.) Ho, my ! Wot 
a relief I And now to hexplain that telegram ! Lord ! Hi'll 
'ave to arsk the missis wot to do ! {He crosses L.) My, wot 
a racket ! [Exit, l. 

{The noise outside has increased until it has centered 
directly in front of the house ; at that moment it appears 
to swerve off, and move on and away. The French win- 
dow softly opens, and Clarence Prentice crawls in on 
his hands and knees. He wears a long overcoat, and a 
derby pulled over his ears ; as he stands erect a shower 
of leaves falls from his clothes. He glances cautiously 
about, then turns and looks for a moment out of the win- 
dow, finally shaking his fist vindictively at the street 
without.) 

Pren. Howl 1 Howl I You young barbarians 1 you feeble- 
minded, overgrown children ! Perdition take you and all your 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 5 

ancestors and your blessed Alma Mater ! (^He pauses y and 
pulls his hat off ; a shower of leaves falls out.^ The idiots ! 
\He comes forward^ taking off his coat, and shaking leaves all 
over the room.') By all the saints, the next time you catch me 
burrowing in a pile of leaves like a blamed squirrel 1 {He 
throivs coat on a chair, and leans agaifist the table, drawing a 
lofig breath.) Whew ! But they nearly had me I Another 

minute, and Ugh ! {He shudders, then walks around the 

room.) Well, here I am at last; but hanged if I don't think 
it's out of the frying-pan into the fire ! If only the old gent's 

away, or I can get hold of Rufe first ; but Oh, the devil ; 

here comes some one ! Back to the nest ! 

{He turns out the light, grabs coat, and starts for the win- 
dow. King enters r.) 

King. Lights out again ! Barton, you old rascal, what 

the -! 

Pren. Rufe ! 

{He springs to the table and flashes on the light.) 

King. Well, of all things ! You old son of a gun ! 

{They clasp hands, and begin to pump stretiuously.) 

Pren. Say, but this is luck ! Quick, Rufe ; where's the 
old gent? 

King. Gone. — No, not dead ; out of town. Been gone a 
week. 

Pren. Oh, wonderful ! 

King. But he may show up any minute. He's a trifle 
unreliable. 

Pren. Oh, damn ! But I've got my hooks on you first, so 
it's all right. 

King. Explain. 

Pren. Oh, that's so, you're not wise to the situation ; well, 
sit down. {He sits on table; K.mG leans against fireplace.) 
You see, I'm in a mess, as usual. 

King. As usual ! What is it this time? Have you turned 
botanist ? 

Pren. Botanist, you imbecile? 

King. Because if you haven't, please don't mess up the 
house again with any more autumn scenery. 

Pren. Huh ! I see. Oh, don't worry; that's only a little 



6 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

impromptu stage setting. Rufe, I've just escaped from the 
clutclies of the worst gang of ruffians that ever ! 

(ZT/i- righteous anger surges up again, ajid he shakes his 
fist viciously at the windozuJ) 

King {roaring with laughter'). So ! The giddy sophs 
have been entertaining you ? And since when have they taken 
to disturbing perfectly law-abiding citizens ? I thought they 
confined their attentions to the verdant freshmen. 

Pren. Ugh ! They came near entertaining me, all right ! 
But the whole trouble is, they've got a perfect right to, I sup- 
pose, according to their feeble-minded and misguided notions. 
You see, — well, maybe you'll think I'm crazy, but I'm one of 
those verdant freshmen myself ! 

King {thunderstruck). You! You! Why ! 

{He sinks on the sofa, overcome with howls of laughter.) 

Pren. All right, laugh, you old jackass ; bray your voice 
out ! But I don't see what's funny in a fellow's going to 
college ! 

King {recovering an instant). But you / and at your age 
in life ! — Oh, Lord ! {Succumbs.) 

Pren. Oh, the devil take my age, and you, too ! Will 
you listen till I get through ? Do you suppose I wanted to go 
to any fool college, and get mixed up in early morning chapel 
and so on ? It was a case of that, or a horrible alternative, or 
being disinherited by my fool of an uncle. I mean my other 
fool of an uncle. 

King. Oh-ho ! So that's it, hey ? Uncle Billiam has 
vetoed the role of the young squire of the manor ? And what 
was the horrible alternative ? 

Pren. A consular berth, secured through one of his blessed 
political friends. A job upholding the glory and honor of my 
native land at three thousand per in — Russia ! 

King. Russia? But where's the kick come in? Three 
thousand a year. Why, man, why the deuce didn't you grab 
the chance? 

Pren. {gravely). My son ! If you will consult a good 
atlas, a good big one, you will find that the town of Volodga is 
in the latitude of sixty-two north. And though an arctic ex- 
istence may suit some people, — well, I'd rather buck the higher 
education. 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 7 

King. Um — I see. Well, I'm inclined to think that the 
governinent is to be congratulated on losing your services, if 
you're so thin-skinned that you can't stand a little hazing. 

Pren. Hazing ? Oh, the dickens with hazing ! Wait till 
you hear how I've messed things. You see, since I had to do 
the college stunt, I thought I'd please Uncle Hen all I could, 
so I chose to come here. Well, he was tickled ; and of course 
loaded me up with a lot of letters of introduction and such 
truck. Moreover, he wanted me to pledge myself to Zeta 
Epsilon ; so like a fool I did, and he wrote all the members 

that I was coming. And then Oh, Lord !— then I did 

put my foot in it ! 

{He ju7nps up, and walks excitedly about the room,) 

King. Well, let's have it. I suppose you signed up with 
another frat. 

Pren. Yes ! Of course ! Exactly ! Oh, what an ass I 
am 1 Only, I didn't sign anything; but I gave my word of 
honor that I'd go Alpha Psi. Did you ever hear anything to 
equal it ? And then, when I got out of the train, and saw the 
yelling crowds and the torches, suddenly I remembered my 
uncle and his letters and my sacred obligations to the Zeta 
Epsilons. After that, there was a lot of shooting stars and 
buzzing noises, and in the excitement I got loose and found my 
way to the bottom of the debris in your front yard. Oh, 
Lord ! And the brutes got my suit-case, so they know who I 
am ! 

King. But for heaven's sake, man, you can't be bound to 
any one but the Zeta Epsilons ! You pledged yourself to them, 
so any subsequent promise is therefore null and void ! 

Pren. Oh, shut up, you and your law terms ! You don't 

know anything about it, because, you see, — well Oh, 

confound it, I cati't break my promise to go Alpha Psi ! You 
see {He pauses in confusion.') 

King. Oh, yes ; I see ! I might have known it all along. 
Why didn't you tell me in the beginning ? If there's a girl in 
the case 

Pren. Yes, there is a girl in the case, and she's the best, 

and Oh, laugh, you grinning hyena; I don't care ! I 

don't care ! And if you think that I'm going to break my 
promise to her for you or any other blame fool, you're mighty 
mistaken ! 



8 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

{In his excitement he shakes his fist violently in King's face.) 

King. Oh, cool off, Pren ! I don't want you to break any 
promises. Only you ought not to let your love affairs get you 
into trouble. It isn't worth while. You know you'll get over 
it in a week or two. 

Pren. No, I won't, either ! Why, hang it, man, I've al- 
ready asked her to marry me ! 

King. What ? Ho, ho, ho ! {Ife goes into a fit of laugh- 
ter.) And did she accept? 

Pren. No, worse luck ! 

King. Good enough ! 

Pren. But she said that if I'd go Alpha Psi she'd consider 
the matter. See ? Now how the deuce can you blame me for 
forgetting about my old fool of an uncle and his fool plans ? 

King. Whew! Well, it's certainly all very harrowing; 
you've made a pretty sufficient mess of the business. And now 
what are you going to do ? I suppose the first thing is to lay 
low until the initiation is over. That means you can't show 
yourself for twelve hours more ; then no one can claim you 
till next term. But where do you propose to stay ? 

Pren. Why, here, you old cuckoo ! 

King. Not a chance ! Do you know that if you're seen 
within these doors, the butler has orders to eject you, by force 
if necessary? And that I'm seriously compromising myself by 
holding friendly confab with you ? 

Pren. Lord ! I certainly do seem blessed with the most 
insane and unreasonable set of uncles that ever lived ! Well, I 
suppose it is largely my fault. But the deuce ! I tfiusi stay 
here ! Come on, Rufe, be a sport, and help me. You say the 
old gent's away, and probably won't show up ; nobody else 
knows me, except Mary, of course ; and you can tell the blood- 
thirsty butler that I'm a friend from Kalamazoo selling gas 
ranges. I swear I'll lie low, and beat it the minute my 
time's up. 

King. Well, I guess it's pretty safe. But if Uncle Hen 

should turn up ! All right ; you wait here a minute. 

(He goes to the door back l., and calls.) Mary! Oh, 
Mary ! 

Mary King {from without y up- stairs). Yes, dear; what 
is it? 

King. Come down here and entertain my company for a 
moment. 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 9 

Mary. Very well ; but who is it ? 

King. Never mind ; come down and find out. {Turns to 
Pren.) You good-for-nothing blockhead ! You've worried 
your poor sister nearly to death with your family rows ! But 
she'll be mighty glad to see you, just the same. Now I'll just 
drop down and casually inform Barton that my friend, Mr. 
Kelley, is visiting me. And don't you forget to talk with a 
brogue ! 

(Jle goes out front l. ; Pren. picks up hat aud coat and 
hangs them up on hat-rack as Mary enters back l.) 

Mary. Oh, good-evening, Mr. Why,— Clarence ! 

{She rushes across stage into his arms.) 

Pren. Hello, old girl ! My, but I'm glad to see you ! 
Mary. You perfect darling ! What on earth are you doing 
here ? And how long are you going to stay ? 

{They coDie forward and sit on the sofa.) 

Pren. Well, you know pretty well how long I'd remain on 
the premises if my dear Uncle Hennery were here. So my 
stay in this house is limited, but I'm going to be in Raeton all 
winter. 

Mary. Glorious ! And you never told me a word about 
it ! Oh, Clarence, if you could only live with us ! Why did 
you let Uncle Hen get so angry with you ? If you'd only just 
given in to his wishes a little ! 

Pren. What ! Marry a girl I'd never seen, just to please 
him ? Why ! 

Mary. But you could have met her first, before you prom- 
ised anything ; and she's a perfect dear, — I know you'd 

Pren. No, Mary, there's no use going over all that again ; 
and not now especially. My dearest sister, I'm in love with 
the most wonderful girl that ever lived ! 

Mary. What; again? 

Pren. No ; at last ! I've only known her for two days, 
but I'm going to marry her ! 

Mary. You silly boy ! Who is she, and where did you 
meet her? 

Pren. I met her on the train, in the observation car; and 
do you know, I don't even know her name yet ! 

Mary. Clarence ! I'm shocked ! 



10 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

Pren. Oh, no, you're not ! And just wait till you meet 
her ! You sec, she lives here somewhere in Raeton, and she's 
promised to let me know her address right away. {Pauses.) 
Only, confound it all, she doesn't know 7ny name or address 
either ! — Oh, well, I'll run across her somewhere ! 

Mary. Of all scatterbrains 1 And you actually imagine 
that you're going to marry this horrible creature ? 

Pren. I certainly do ! 

Mary. And I suppose she is equally certain. 

Pren. That's just the trouble. She refused me ! 

Mary. Well, I should hope so ! The very idea ! Now, 
listen, Clarence; Uncle Hen's ward, Madelaine Sander- 
son 

Pren. The girl Fm supposed to marry? 

Mary. Exactly. 

Pren. Good-night ! 

Mary. That's all very well ; only don't say anything you'll 
ever regret. As I started to say, she's coming on from Boston 
in another week to spend the winter here, as she did last year ; 
and you will have a chance to meet her, and then perhaps you 
won't oppose your uncle so stubbornly. Oh, Clarence, do try 
to like her ! Won't you promise to be a good boy, and do as 
I ask ? 

Pren. {taking her hatid and patti fig it affectionately). Yes, 
of course, of course ; but don't expect anything. I'm in dead 
earnest about this other affair. In the meantime I'm in the 

deuce of a scrape. Mary, I've {The door-bell rings.) 

Lord ; suppose that's Uncle Hen ! 

Mary. It can't be ! He wouldn't ring ! 

Pren. That's all right; I'm not taking any chances. 
Quick ; which way is Rufe's room ? 

Mary. Right at the top of the landing ; the first room. 
Hurry, I hear Barton coming ! Goodness, I forgot he mustn't 
see you ! (Pren. goes out quickly back l. ; as he disappears. 
Bar. efiters front l., and sees him go.) Oh, dear ! What 
shall I tell him ? 

Bar. {pausing a moment and eyeing the door). Beg par- 
don, but 

Mary {breathlessly). Oh, Barton, I meant to tell you that 
a gentleman would be here to-night, Mr. Sumner, a singer who 
has come to see Mr. Tetlow on business ! 

Bar. Yes, ma'am. {Aside.) Hanother one ! 

[Exit, back p. 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO II 

Mary (joing to table and arranging it nervously^. I won- 
der who it is ; it can't be Uncle Hen ! He'd surely have tele- 
graphed ! {A pause.) 

Madelaine Sanderson (offstage). Here are the checks. 
Would you please, Barton? You're a dear ! 

Mary. Madelaine ! Why I 

(Mad. enters back r., throivs down wraps y and comes for- 
wardy arms outstretched.) 

Mad. Hello, dearest ! 

Mary. Madelaine! (They embrace.) For gracious' sake ! 

Mad. Aren't you surprised ? 

Mary. Surprised ? I should say so ! Where on earth did 
you drop from ? 

Mad. My dear, I've dropped a// the way from St. Louis, 
right on top of you, without a word of warning ! Now, aren't 
you overjoyed ? 

Mary, Overjoyed ! But, goodness, why St. Louis ? I 
thought you were in Boston ! 

Mad. I know. Dearest, positively, I've been around the 
world in the last week ! I'll tell you all about it later. Just 
now, I'm simply dying to renovate myself. Isn't traveling 
perfecdy terrible ? Do tell me what room I'm to have ! Wait ! 
(She goes quickly out into the hall, a?td returns with her suit- 
case. Outside a snatch of song is heard in the distance.) 
Listen ! Hear them singing ! My, but it sounds good ! Oh, 
my dear ! Let me tell you ! I've pledged the most splendid 
fellow to Alphi Psi; he's perfectly wonderful, and I'm 
quite 

King (off stage). Mary, where's Barton? (He enters 

front h.'y sees Mad., and stops dead.) Why ! On my 

word ! (He advances, afid they shake hands.) 

Mad. Aren't you glad to see me? 

King. Glad ! Well, I should say so ! But 

(He looks inquiringly at his wife.) 

Mary. Don't look to me for an explanation ; I'm as much 
in the dark as you are. Isn't it fine, though? (To Mad.) 
Dearie, just a moment and you can come. 

(She takes stiit-case, and goes out back l.) 

King. Well, how goes the world ? You're looking fine. 



12 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

Mad. I'm feeling fine, too. Oh, Rufe, I've had the most 
wonderful trip, and more experiences ! Just think, Rufe ; at 
last I've met my true affinity; the most splendid fellow ! He 
came all the way from St. Louis with me ; you know, we met 
on the train, and it was awfully romantic ! Imagine ; we don't 
even know each other's names yet ! We agreed to keep them 
secret for the fun of it. And I've asked him to come and see 
me here; you won't mind, will you, Rufe? 

King. Of course not, if, — well, you're sure he's the right 
sort of fellow ? 

Mad. Why, of course he is ; he's a perfect dear ! And he 
asked me to marry him the very first day ! 

King. Oh, good Lord ! And did you say yes? 

Mad. No-o; but I told him that I'd think it ovtx very 
seriously. It was simply a case of love at first sight ! Oh, 1 
can hardly wait till I see him again ! Rufe, do you think 

Mary (offstage). Oh, Madelaine ! 

Mad. Yes, dear; I'm coming! (She crosses back R., 
gathers tip coat and wraps, and crosses L., talking as she goes.) 
Goodness ! I hope I haven't delayed dinner any ! And Rufe, 
if a gentleman should by any chance call this evening, won't 
you please tell Barton 

Mary {off stage). Madelaine? 

Mad. Coming, dear ! 

{Exit, back l. King stands a moment looking after her, 
then comes forward and leans against the table, drawing a 
long breath.) 

King. Whew ! Well {He pauses, reflectively.) This 

certainly seems marked out for a particularly hectic evening ! 
Here's my precious brother-in-law, caught between two fires, 
and hiding at this house, of all places, where, if his dear uncle 
catches him, he'll be everlastingly slain, and I'll be turned out 
for harboring him ! And on top of that, in drops the irrepres- 
sible Madelaine, with a wild tale of a Pullman romance, evi- 
dently having forgotten that she has promised to marry the man 
of her guardian's choice, who, in turn, is the fugitive beneath 
our very roof! Oh, ye Gods ! And I'm confoundedly certain 
that now it's started to rain, it's going to pour before it gets 
through I {The door-bell rings.) There! I knew it! I 
wonder what's coming next ? If this Lothario of Madelaine's 
turns out to be impossible, as he very likely will, and if he 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 



13 



should turn up before Uncle Hen gets back, well {The 

bell rings agaifi.) I wonder why Barton doesn't come ! Oh, 
the deuce! He's gone for Madelaine's trunks ! I'll have to 
welcome the next event on the program myself. (He goes out 
back R. ; in a itiomenl he reenters, followed by Ted Strong, 
who wears a long, talkative overcoat, a?id a sfuall derby on the 
back of his head. The derby has a dent in one side ; Ted's 
tie and collar are badly disarranged.') Right in here, if you 
please. Won't you take off your overcoat ? 

Ted. Tanks ! Wot's left of it ! (He removes coat, which 
King takes. He is evidently a bit ruffled in temper as well as 
apparel.) Say ! Do youse hand out d' election night stuff t' 
every guy wot strikes dis burg ? 

King. Why, no; this only happens to be the opening night 
of college, and 

Ted. Oh, dat's it, huh ? Well, I'm glad youse put me 
wise, cuz next time I'd ha' swung on some o' those guys, see? 

{He viciously puftches his hat into shape, then crosses front 
L., and arranges tie in front of mirror.) 

King (aside). Particularly hectic ! (Aloud, cautiously.) 
I er, — suppose you've come to see Mr. Tetlow on business? 

Ted. Naw ! Do I look like a Tetrazini out of a job? 
Naw ! I got a date here wit a skoit, see ? 

King. What ? — 1 beg your pardon ? 

Ted. a lady, see ? A fren' o' mine wot told me t* meet 
her here. 

King (aside). Good Lord ! It can't be ! (Aloud.) Oh, 
I understand ! Well, er, — pardon the question, but on whose 
authority did you choose this house as a meeting place? 

Ted. D' lady's, see? 

King. Oh, er, — yes, yes ! — Heavens above ! Madelaine 
must be insane! (To Ted.) Well, I suppose then that you 
are in some way related to, — er, — that is, have some connection 
with, and that you have some good reason for 

Ted {advancing threateningly). See here, cul, youse say 
wot youse mean, and say it quick, see? 

King (bristling). You bet I will ! You're intruding in 
this house where you've no business to be, and you're going 
to clear out pretty quick ; understand ? 

Ted. Huh? I am, am I? Well, youse understand this 
pretty quick, young feller, dat I'm goin* t' stay right here till 



14 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

d* lady I came t' see tells me t' go, or till I'm put out, see? 
An' if dere's a man here wot can put me out, which'll be goin' 
some, I'll stay in front of dis house till I see d' lady I came t' 
see; see? 

King. Very well ; I'll call her, and take my word, she'll 
send you off in a hurry ! You can wait in the library ! (He 
turns to go; aside.') Heavens! Madelaine wz/j-/ get rid of 
this beast ! \Exity back L. 

Ted. She will, hey? Well, if she does, my dope's no 
good ! Catch dat little queen ditchin' a guy ! Not on yer 
life ! Not little Leslie ! {He looks around.) So I'm t' wait 
in d' library, hey ? Dis joint, I suppose ? 

{He crosses R., looks off stage y then strolls out front R. / as 
he goeSf Bar.'s voice is heard off stage back r.) 

Bar. Hon the second floor ; the missis'll show you. And 
mind; don't scratch the paint! {A door slams and Bar. 
enters back R. He is somewhat rumpled.) Ho, my eye ! 
Wot a night ! They do seem to be going hon wus than usual ! 
{He straightens his clothes.) And ho my ! 'Ere's more 
trouble ! Honly think. Miss Case, next door, says as 'ow she 
saw through the kitchen window some one crawling hinto this 
very room, an' as 'ow she's certain hit was young Mr. Prentice ! 
And the marster's orders as 'ow I'm to throw 'im right hout of 
the house ! And 'ere 'e is hat large ! 'Eavens ! I'll 'ave to 
arsk the missis wot to do ! 

{He goes out front L., shaking his head. For a moment the 
stage is vacant ; the sound of fraternal festivities is still 
heard faintly in the distance. Pren. cautiously sticks his 
head out of the door back L., and peeps about.) 

Pren. Good ! I've eluded Mister Barton and his ejective 
proclivities so far. I'm not exactly dying to impersonate Mr. 
Kelley, of Kalamazoo. I wonder if I'll have to do the brogue 
at dinner? {He goes to 7vindow and looks out.) Still at it ! 
I wish them joy ! Nevertheless, I don't like my suit-case being 
in their hands; some one might know that the old gent's my 
uncle, and they might come here and investigate. It makes 
me rather nervous. In fact, everything makes me nervous to- 
night ! 

Enter Ted, front r., and eyes him a moment. 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO IC 

Ted {aside). Huh ! I suppose dis is d' guy wot's been 
sent t' bounce me out 'n here ! (^Aloud.) Hey, youse ! 

(PREN.ju7/ips back in terror, knocks over a chair, and takes 
refuge behind the table.) 

Pren. (aside). Lord! That butler at last! (Aloud.) 
Er,— well ? 

Ted (grinning). Say, wot are youse scared of, huh? 

Pren. (in rich brogue). Sure, an' nothing at all, your 
honor ! 

Ted. Becuz unless youse is not who I think youse is, youse 
'd better be, see? I thought maybe youse was a guy wot I was 
looking for ; youse get me ? 

Pren. Sure, faith an' I do I 

Ted. Youse 'd better had, ye pea green Oirisher ! ( Turns 
suddenly.) Say, do youse belong in this joint ? 

Pren. Begorrah, an' I do not; but, sure, an' I'm a friend 
of Mr. King's, an' Kelley's me name, Kalamazoo being me 
home. Faith, me lad, an' perhaps I could sell ye a stove ? 

Ted. Naw, youse can't! And don't "me lad" me, d'y 
see? Or I'll paste youse so hard in th' slats it'll make y'r hair 
fall out ; youse get me ? 

Pren. (with an attempt at jovial good nature). Come, 
now, an' 'twas nothing I meant ! Sure, faith an' you're such 
a broth of a boy 

(Ted turns fiercely, and comes forward in a dangerously 
professio?ial attitude ; Pren. retreats till he falls back- 
ward on sofa; Ted stands over him.) 

Ted. See here, youse mut-faced gazebo ! Don't youse try_ 
t' spring not'in' on me, see? It won't woik ! Dat brogue o* 
yours sounds pretty fishy, and if youse is a bum ten-twent-thirt 
moving picter show actor rehoising a new act, and thinkin' y're 
going t' try it on th' dog, and try it on me, youse is going t' 
get hoit, see ? And hoit bad, see ? If youse thinks youse is 
going t' get funny wit' a big league ball player wot's been put 
out'n th' league f'r scrapping, y're mistaken, see? And till I 
hooks a new job I'm a bad man t' get funny wit' 1 

Pren. But — but Then you're not Barton ? 

Ted {turning away). Barton ? Barton who ? 

Pren. (rising). You're not Mr. Tetlow's butler? 

Te\) (turning suddenly). Hey! Butler? 



l6 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

Pren. {dodging behind the so/a). Wait a minute ! Don't 
shoot! It's all a mistake. I thought you were one of the 
family, and I apologize. Now, if you'll only tell me who you 
really are 

Ted. Why, sure, cul, if y're not trying t' trow me out ; I'm 
Ted Strong, a week ago outfielder on th' St. Louis Nationals; 
but dat guy Breshnahan got too fly one day, and I pasted him 
one, see? So now I'm looking f'r a new job at th' college 
here. And a skoit wot I met on th' train was t' meet me here, 
but some guy got fresh, and said he'd have me trun out, and I 
thought youse was d' guy he sent t' do it, see ? 

Pren. 1 understand, perfectly. And, by Jove, / thought 
you were the butler, who has orders to throw me out ! 

Ted. He has, huh ? Well, say, cul ; suppose youse and 
me go pals, and if Mister Fresh Guy 'r Mister Butler gets flip 
around here, we'll hand 'em a jolt in th' kisser, hey? 

Pren. Good enough ! We'll show them ! {They shake 
hands.) I wish you had been with me when I met the gang 
outside ! 

Ted. Was youse mixed up wit' dem, too ? 

Pren. Mixed up ? I should say so ! Why, man, I'm who 
they're after ! You see, I've promised to join two difl'erent 
societies, so now I can't join either; and if a freshman refuses 
to join some fraternity, they all get together and kill him. Oh, 
I'd have a lovely time if they got hold of me ! 

Ted. Well, they ain't going t' get youse wit' me here; 
they, nor nobody else. Just let 'em come; we'll keep 'em 
busy ! ( The door -be II rings.) Wot's dat ? 

Pren. Thunder, the door-bell ! And Barton will have to 
pass through here to answer it ! Quick ! I'm supposed to be 
Mr. Kelley, of Kalamazoo, and if he 

Ted, And if he asks me who I am, I'll tell him, see? 

E?iter Bar. back l. Pren. and Ted assume defensive posi- 
tions. 

Bar. (^ pans i fig, and looking over their heads). Beg par- 
don; Mr. Sumner, your room his ready, sir; hit's the one 
next to Mr. Kelley's, sir. {He bows, and goes out back R.) 

Ted. Mister Sumner, hey? Woops, m' dear, dat's a good 
one ! And Mister Kelley ! Say, I thought he wasn't wise t* 
youse ? 

Pren. There's something queer on ; you notice he didn't 
look at either of us. He's got the names, but doesn't know 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 



17 



which is which. And now I wonder who this will be. Sup- 
pose it's my uncle ! 

Enter Bar., back r. 

Bar. This way, sir. 

Efiter Rev. Ernest Frey, with long overcoat^ big traveling 
bag, and umbrella. 

Frey. Oh, thank you ! 

Bar. Hi'll call Mr. King, sir; Mr. Tetlow is hout of town 
at present, sir, but 

Frey. Only fancy ! He said he would be here to-night ! 

(Pren. jtwips.) And it is so expressly urgent that I Oh, 

dear me, I forgot; my card ! Oh, oh, oh ! {lie fumbles in 
his pocket.) Ah, here it is! (Bar. goes out back l.) How 
thoughtless of me ! 

(Frey deposits his belongings, and comes forivard to the 
table ; he sits down, and takes out a note-book, in which 
he starts to write. The others watch him^ and speak in 
low tones.) 

Ted. Oh, Lizzie ! D'y pipe th' goloshes ! 

Pren. a minister to see my uncle ! I wonder what he 
wants ? Maybe the old gent's getting religion ! 

Ted. Say, d'y think he'll speak to us? And if he does, 
wot am I, a Swede or a Dago ? 

Pren. Oh, the deuce; I don't know ! Hold on; we'll say 
you're French, and don't know any English. If he tries to 
talk to you, just answer *' Oui, oui." 

Ted. Wee, wee, huh ? Say, is dat d' whole langwige ? 

Pren. No, but you'll find it answers all your purposes. — 
See, he's stopped writing ! 

(Frey puts away his note-book, and rises. As he turfis 
toward the others, they look away ; he starts slightly.') 

Frey {aside). Ah ! Two gentlemen ! I had not pre- 
viously observed them ! I wonder {He pauses ; aloud.) 

Oh, I beg your pardon, but perhaps one of you gentlemen 
could inform me concerning Mr. Tetlow's absence ? 

Pren. Sure, an' it's not myself that could be informing ye, 
begging your Worship's pardon ! 

Frey {aside). Only fancy ! A son of Erin ! How de- 



l8 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

lightful ! {Aloud.') Oh, dear me, how very unfortunate 1 
Perhaps the other gentleman 

Pken. Sure, an' it's not him that'll be telling ye, he being 
a Frenchman, that can't speak the tongue. {To Ted.) Can 
ye, me lad ? 

Ted. Wee, wee ! 

Frey. Oh, dear me, how unfortunate ! You see, I am 
only in town for a few hours, and it is extremely urgent that I 
see the gentleman who resides here. Only fancy, too; he 
wrote me that he would surely be here to-night ! (Pren. 
starts nervously.) Well, I suppose there is no use crying over 
spilt milk. You gentlemen are visiting here, I presume ? 

Pren. Faith, an' your Honor presumes rightly ! 

Frey. Ah, yes ! {Pauses ; eyes 'Yy.t> covertly.) And — er — 
you are here together, I presume ? 

Pren. Faith, an' we're here together; but it's only this 
night we've met ! 

Frey. Ah, so I fancied! {Pauses; lowers his voice.) 
And the — er — gentleman with you is a friend of Mr. Tetlow's, 
visiting him, I presume ? 

Pren. Faith, no, an' it was myself that got the idea that he 
was only waiting here to meet an acquaintance ! 

Frey. Oh, dear me ! I am most expressly relieved ! I 
sincerely trust that my esteemed friend Mr. Tetlow does not 
lower himself by associating intimately with such a fellow ! 

Ted {aside). Huh ! 

Pren. {apprehensively). Oh, sure, now, your Worship, an' 
you're not after maning that ? 

Frey. Ah, yes; 1 feel that I must take exception in a 
marked degree to this type of person. Really, you know, his 
dress ! Quite impossible ! Only fancy ! Red socks and a 
green cravat ! Quite out of place in a gentleman's drawing- 
room ! It stamps him, don't you know, as being of the rough 
and undesirable element which is unfortunately so conspicuous 
in our 

(Ted has risen and stood, with his hands on his hips, and 
jaw outstretched, liste?iing ; at this poijit in the o therms 
r amblings he steps in front of Pren., who tries to restraint 
him, and digs Frey in the ribs in order to attract his 
attention.) 

Ted. Hey, youse 1 Wee, wee ! Understand ? Wee, wee i 
D'y get me, kid ? 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO I9 

Frey [springing back). Oh, oh, oh ! Merciful powers ! 
Why! The creature speaks English ! (7"^ Pren.) Sir, you 
have most unkindly deceived me ! 

Ted. Yep ; dat's it ! And now wot has youse t' say about 
it? 

Frey, Oh, oh, oh ! This is indeed quite too awful ! 
Words utterly fail me ! 

Ted. Well, it's a good ting, youse spindle-legged, fresh- 
water oyster ! And say 1 Next time youse has any suggestions 
t' make concoining me rags, youse hand in all complaints t' 
th' box-office, see ? Y' get me ? 

Frey. Oh, oh ! Really, my dear sir, if I had known 

Oh, 1 am so perturbed! {To Pren.) Oh, sir, perhaps you 
have some influence over this gentleman, — if you could only 
explain and assure him that I meant absolutely no harm, — that 
my intentions 

Pren. Oh, I'm sure I can fix it up all right ! Now, my 

dear old fellow (^He pulls Ted aside^ and speaks in a 

quick whisper.) Cut it out; don't waste your temper on this 
feeble-minded old fossil ! I'll tell him what's up, and ask him 
to help us ; you've got him so scared that he won't dare refuse ! 
{Aloud.') And now I'm sure that you two gentlemen will find 
it expedient to drop the matter, and clasp each other's hands in 
firm friendship. Mr. — er 

Frey (^delighted). Oh, dear me; I forgot ! I am the Rev. 
Ernest Frey, rector of St. Benedict's, Heathfield Parish. 

Pren. Well, Mr. Frey, let me present Mr. Strong, late of 
St. Louis. 

Frey. Ah, really ! I am charmed ! And er, — after all, 
you are one of us Americans ? 

Ted. Naw ! I ain't no American ! I was in d' Nationals 
till I got canned, but I ain't in no league now. Y' see, datguy 
Breshnahan 

Pren. Yes, yes ; we understand ; but let me explain things 
to Mr. Frey. (/« a confidefitial and deprecatory manner.) 
You see, my friend and I are in a rather peculiar situation ; for 
er, — one reason or another, we are both under the absolute 
necessity of remaining for the present in this house, but most 
unfortunately certain of the inmates are attempting to forcibly 
get rid of us. Now, in order to conceal our identity from any 
one who might let be known our whereabouts, we are trying to 
remain incognito. Understand ? And so though you have, — 
very cleverly, I must confess, — discovered that we are not who 



20 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

we represent ourselves to be, still if we can rely on you to con- 
ceal this fact, it would greatly aid us, and 

(^His wind gives out, and he draws a long breath ; before he 
can conti7iue, he is interrupted.^ 

Frey (^horrified). Oh, but my most dear sir ! Really, you 

know ! I — I could not think of it ! Why, that would be 

wilful deception ! Only fancy ! A minister of the gospel aid- 
ing in an attempt to deceive the people in the house of one of 
his trusted friends, in behalf of two self-confessed intruders ! 
It would be most unpardonable ; really, I almost feel it my duty 
to at once inform some one of 

Ted (once more diggitig him in the ribs). Say ! Areyouse 
going t' do wot we'se told youse t' do, or are youse not ? 

Frey (7vith dignity). Oh, oh ! My dear sir, I would wish 
you to remember that you are addressing the rector of St. 
Benedict's, Heathfield Parish, and that to one in my posi- 
tion 

Ted. Aw, cut it ! I don't care if youse is th* whole 
National Commission ; see? Youse is going t' do wot we says, 
or youse gets poked in th' mug, d'y get me? Like dat; see? 

(He draws back his arm, and brings it forward as though 
for a swishifig upper cut. Yrky Jumps away, trembling.) 

Frey. Oh, oh, oh ! This is coercion ! I shall certainly 
appeal to the police authorities for assistance ; really 

Pren. {kicking Ted oji the shin and ?notio7iing him away). 
Oh, no ; you must help us ! Why, you'll be doing the right 
thing in helping us, because, don't you see, we're the ones that 
are in the right, and the others are wrongfully trying to throw 
us out into the street ! Your duty as a good citizen and a min- 
ister lies in protecting two innocent men from the unjust perse- 
cutions of their enemies ! There ! You see you are under the 
moral obligation to help us ! 

Frey. Oli, my ! I am so greatly perturbed, really I can- 
not be quite certain of my proper course of action ! However 
(glaficing nervously at Ted), if you say that you are being op- 
pressed without cause, I suppose that in my position as a shep- 
herd among my fellow men, it is my duty to take you under 
my protecting wing. 

Ted. Dat's right, cul ; be a sport ! ( Whacks Frey on the 
back.) We'll stick around under y'r flapper just as long as 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 21 

youse want. Say, but we'll own th' whole house before we 
gets tru, hey, Bo? (^Whacks Pren. o?i the back.) 

Pren. Good enough; but don't you think that we'd better 
go somewhere else ? The butler has to go through here to an- 
swer the door-bell, and it might become awkward if he should 
run across us too often. 

Frey. Oh, but you know he has taken my card up, and 
really, I must await some response from the present master of 
the house ! 

Pren. Oh, come along ; that's not necessary ! You say 
that your business is with Mr. Tetlow ; and since he is not 
here, it's no use seeing any one else. Suppose you tell us what 
your business is, and perhaps we could help you out. 

Ted. Dat's wot; youse put us wise, and we'll help youse 
deliver th' goods, see ? Come, gents ; th' court will now adjoin 
t' th' library ! 

(^ITe links arms with the other two, and they go out front r. 
As they disappear, Mad. enters back h., followed by Bar. 
She sees thetn go. She is in evening dress j a?id appears 
radiant and greatly excited.') 

Mad. Oh, there they are ! Barton, you may go down- 
stairs. 

Bar. Beg pardon, miss, but Hi was to tell the Rev. Mr. 
Frey that 

Mad. {impatiently). Yes, yes ! I know; but you need not 
bother. I'll tell him myself! (Qkk. hesitates, then goes out 
front h. J shaking his head.) And now! Oh, dear; what 
shall I say to him first ? Goodness, I'm so flustered ! Why 
did Rufe take such a violent dislike to him ? I'm sure they 
must have quarreled ! And I wonder how he found out where 
I lived? I'll bet that he followed me here ! The darling ! 
{She starts toward the door; pauses.') Goodness! That 

horrid minister is with him ! Oh, I do wish that he would 

{She looks out of the door front R.) Oh, he is, he is ! He's 
coming this way now ! Oh 

{She stops, looks around, then runs up stage, and stands by 
the windoiv. Pren. enters, and starts up stage, l.) 

Pren. I'd better nail those hats and coats, or {He 

sees Mad. \ pauses.) Oh, I {Recognizes her.) What ! 

You here ? 



22 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

{He goes toward her ; they 7neet in the centre of the stage,') 

Mad. Yes; didn't you know ? 

Pren. The dickens, no ! 

Mad. {petulantly). Then why did you come? 

Pren. Why, er, — you see Oh, what difference does 

it make? I say, it's great, your being here! I thought I'd 
never see you again ; it's been ages since we parted ! 

Mad. It hasn't at all; it's been just an hour ! 

Pren. Oh, well, I mean it's seemed ages ! Hasn't it seemed 
so to you ? 

Mad. Well, — per-haps. — But can't we sit down? I've 
something very important to tell you ! 

Pren. Why, yes, let's {He remembers so?nething.') 

Oh, thunder ! I'm afraid I can't; I forgot that I've a couple 
of friends waiting for me in the next room, and I must go back. 
You see, I'm afraid to leave them alone together very long, for 
fear that they'd get into an argument. You understand, don't 
you ? 

Mad. Ye-es ; I suppose so. And tell the Rev. Mr. Frey, 
— he's one of them, isn't he? — that Mrs. King will be down in 
just a few minutes to welcome him. 

Pren. All right. Confound him, anyway ! But I'll see 
you again, won't I? You're not going right away? 

Mad. No, indeed ! 

Pren. Then good-bye. {He takes her hand in both of his. ) 
You know how I hate to run off this way. But you see it can't 
be helped. So good-bye till the next time ! 

{He drops her hand and goes out front R.) 

Mad. Well, — I think he might have kissed me ! But he's 
a perfect dear ! I don't see why Rufe took such a violent dis- 
like to him so quickly ! And the awful things he called him ! 
A "mucker"! Imagine! Oh, you wait, Mr. Rufus ! I'll 
get even with you I — And goodness ! I just know that Uncle 
Hen will simply hate him, on general principles, and make a 
horrible scene, and never give his consent ! Oh, I'm sure I'm 
going to have the most gorgeous kind of a romance ! — Heavens, 
here comes Rufe ! Now for a perfectly lovely row ! 

{She goes over and leans against the jnantelpiece, facing the 
stage expectantly. King enters back l., and comes over 
toward her.) 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 



23 



King. Well, I see you've gotten rid of him. I should hope 
so ! Whew ! A regular Bowery tough ! {Ster?ily.) Mad- 
elaine, I'm surprised at you ! And right here and now I want 
to warn you against your habit of making casual acquaintances ; 
it's got to stop, and next time I hear of you 

Mad. (^sweetly). Rufie, dear, don't you think you're be- 
ginning rather early to lecture me — the very first night I'm 
here ? And besides, you know, the gentleman on whom you 
are conferring such lovely titles hasn't left at all ! 

King. What ! 

Mad. What what? 

King. What wh ! Oh, the devil ! You don't mean 

that you didn't send the fellow away ? 

Mad. Most certainly not ! I don't treat my friends that 
way ! 

King (seething). Madelaine, do you mean what you say ? 

Mad. What thing that I say ? 

King. Oh ! Is that fellow still here in this house ? 

Mad. Why ! Of course he is ! 

King. Then I command you to send him about his busi- 
ness this instant ! 

Mad. How perfectly delicious ! You command me to 

King. Yes, I do ! And if you don't obey me, do you 
know what I'll do ? 

Mad. Really, Rufie dear, I can't for the life of me guess I 
There are so tnany things you might do ; you know, you're so 
ingenious; — you might ask him to dinner ! 

(King turns away with a wild gesture of impote7it rage^ 
and rushes up stage. At the door he turns back and 
pauses a moment.') 

King. All right ! You'll be mighty sorry in a minute or 
two ! Entertain your choice friend while you've got the 
chance ; in ten minutes I'll be back here with a policeman, 
and he'll spend the night in the Raeton jail ! 

{He flifigs himself out of the door ; Mad. sends a peal of 
laughter after him, then comes forward and sits oti the 
end of the sofa.) 

Mad. {relaxed and slightly hysterical). Oh, dear, dear 
me! Oh, oh! But wasn't it a perfect circus? Heavens I 
Suppose he had come in ; I'm sure there'd have been a regular 



24 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

scene ! {Pauses.) Goodness ! I hope Rufe does have him 
sent to jail ! It would be the best thing in the world, because 
I know it would put him right in the good graces of Uncle 
Hen \ the thought that Rufe had acted without his orders 
would set him simply wild ! Then there would be trouble ! 
Oh, isn't it splendid ! (Mary enters back l. ; Mad. goes to 
meet her ; they cojne forward.') Dearest, your perfect love of 
a husband is in a most splendiferous temper, and has gone 
to invoke the Raeton authorities, and cause my affinity to be 
placed behind the cruel, cruel bars ! 

Mary. Oh, Madelaine, why did you make him angry ? 
You know he has got such a fearful temper, and when he's 
roused he's so unreasonable ! 

Mad. Darling, I didn't have to do any making; I just 
stood still, and he made himself ! But don't worry ; it will all 
come out right in the end, and we'll all live happily ever after ! 

Mary. I sincerely hope so ! Just now I must go and 
welcome the Rev. Mr. Frey. 

Mad. Gracious ! I wonder what a minister wants with 
Uncle Hen. That is, I wonder what Uncle Hen wants with a 
minister. 

Mary. My dear, he has had a perfect stream of the queer- 
est people you ever saw coming to the house all the time, ever 
since he became a professional impressario. 

Mad. That means he's a kind of employment agency, 
doesn't it? 

Mary. Yes, for singers, you know; and along with the 
real tiling he gets all kinds of cranks and lunatics. So I'm 
always ready for anything. — But come ; you can help me greet 
the gentleman from Heathfield Parish. {The door -bell rings.) 
There ! Another unexpected guest ! — Goodness, suppose it 
should be the policeman ! (Bar. crosses the stage, and goes 
out back R.) How awkward, with our clerical friend on the 
scene ! I think that I'd better wait and receive whoever it is. 

Mad. I don't believe it can be Rufe, so soon ; I'll bet the 
Raeton pohce force is having its hands full to-night, and will 
be hard to locate. 

Bar. {offstage). This way, miss. 

Enter Leslie Hill, back r., followed by Bar. She comes in 
U'ith what might be described as a swish, looks quickly 
around the room, then advances toivard Mary, accom- 
panied by considerable parasol action. 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 2$ 

Les. Oh, how- do you do? This is Mrs. Tetlow, isn't it? 
(Shakes /lands effusively with Mary.) 

Mary. No, I am Mr. Tetlovv's niece, Mrs. King. 

Les. {still holding her hand). Oh, indeed? Charmed, 
I'm sure ! I am Miss Hill, and I have an appointment with 
Mr. Tetlow for this evening ! 

Mary. But Mr. Tetlow is out of town ! He has been 
absent for the past week, and we have no idea when he will 
return. 

Les. Oh, indeed ? Why, he wrote me only the other day 
that he would see me this evening, on a very important matter 
of business ! 

Mary. Gracious ! Then he will be here this evening ! 
It's fortunate that I had planned to wait dinner till the late 
train ! Miss Hill, you will dine with us, will you not ? 

Les. Oh, charmed, I'm sure ! 

Mary. Then you can talk to my uncle afterward. And 

now Oh, let me present Miss Sanderson, Mr. Tetlow's 

ward ! 

Les. (clinging affectionately to Mad.'s hand). Indeed! 
Charmed, I'm sure ! 

Mary. Now I must ask you to excuse me for a moment 
while I tell Barton that we expect Mr. Tetlow. Miss Hill, 
won't you remove your wraps ? Madelaine will help you ; 
won't you, dear? (Les. removes her coat and veil, but not her 
hat ; yiAK'i crosses l.., and pauses ; aside.) Oh, dear ! These 
people must all be famished, and dinner not for over an hour 
yet! I'll have to give them tea; goodness, tea at a quarter 
past seven ! (She goes out front r.) 

Les. Oh, my dear f Thank you so much ! You know, 
one gets so terribly upset traveling ! 

(She flaunts across the room, pausifig in front of the mirror 
front L., where she arranges her hair, and produces and 
uses a small vanity box.) 

Mad. Yes; I have just come from St. Louis myself. 
(Aside.) Oh, dear ! I don't feel like talking to this creature ! 
She looks like a common actress ! 

Les. (still busy). Oh, indeed ? My dear, I know what an 
awful trip that must be ! I've only come from New York my- 
self, where I've just closed an engagement. 



26 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

Mad. Oh, you're a singer, I suppose ? 

Les. Oh, yes indeed ! And I've come to see Mr. Tetlovv 
about helping me on a new thing that I'm going into. It's a 
fine chance ; I'm sure I'll make the hit of the season ! 

Mad. {iiot overefithusiastically). How interesting I I sup- 
pose you are entering the field of grand opera ? 

Les. Oh, no indeed I It's a musical sketch for the Battis 
and Reis circuit, and carries fourteen people ! 

Mad. {aside'). I thought so ! Oh, dear me ! I believe 
I'll desert the fort ! I don't believe, after all, that I want to 
watch my precious hero carted off to jail ! {Aloud.) How 
interesting ! I hope it will be a success ! 

Les. Oh, thanks ! I'm sure it will be ! {She finishes her 
operatio7is, and the vanity box vanishes.) You know, I was 
playing at the Folies Bergeres, but one of the big composers 
simply begged me to take this act, to introduce some new songs, 
and ^^^^//-.fff I couldn't refuse ! And my ^^^r.^ He's letting 
me choose my owfi company; so I've come to Mr. Tetlow to 
get his advice. 

Mad. How interesting ! I'm sure he can help you. — But 
I'm afraid I must ask you to excuse me; I'm so tired from my 
trip that I simply must rest before 1 dress for dinner. Mrs. 
King will be back in a few minutes. 

Les. {clasping her hand inipetiwusly). Oh, my dear / I'm 
sure I won't mind ! JDo go and lie down ; it's always so 
refreshing to have a nap before dinner ! I'll tell Mrs. King, if 
you wish. Good-hyt ! (Mad. goes out back l.) The cat ! 
I know she'd like to claw my eyes out ! As though she wasn't 
already dressed for the evening ! Just watch ; she'll put on 
all kinds of lugs for my benefit ! — Well / If I only had the 
new gown I'm going to wear in my act, wouldn't I make her 
hump some to beat me ? Well, I guess J And now if only 
my cute baseball player will turn up, things will simply hum I — 
And I'm to stay to dinner / Well, I think I'll look around a 

bit, ( Goes over to door front R., and opens it.) I wonder 

Oh, this must be the library ! {She looks in, and starts back.) 
There are three men in there ! Oh ! {Looks again.) Good- 
ness ! There he is ! Would you believe it ! Just think ! He 
must have come straight from the station ! The dear ! My, 
I wonder if I can attract his attention i {She takes out her 
handkerchief y and waves it furtively in the door.) There! 
He saw it ! Here he comes ! {She crosses L.) Oh, dear, I 
wonder if he'll try to kiss me ! 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO ^'^| 

Ted {bursting in, then advancing somewhat abashed^. Say ! 
It's little Leslie at last ! Gee, kid, I'm glad t' see youse ! 

{He shakes her hand at arm's length.^ 

Les. Oh, ifideed / I'm so glad you are pleased, Mr. 
Strong ! 

Ted, Say, kid, nix on that ! Call me anyting youse want, 
but nix on dat Mister business, see? I thought youse said we 
was t' be pals ? 

Les. Oh, very well ; if you want to ! 

Ted. Want to? Say, wot did I tell youse on th* train, 
hey? Wot did I come up t' this joint f r? I thought youse 
said youse was looking f r a steady pal, and dat I'd about fill 
th' bill ? And now youse hand me th' icy stare ! 

Les. Well, I did say something like that, because I thought 
you ivanted to, but after the frigid reception I got, why 

Ted, Say! Wot was wrong? Didn't I look tickled t' 
death ? Was there anyting wrong wit' d' way I mitted youse ? 

Les. No, not that ; but I thought that perhaps you might 
have {Pauses.) 

Ted. Oh ! {Catches her in his arms, afid kisses her.) 
Say, is dat wot youse meant ? 

Les. That's better / And now tell me who those men are 
in there ! 

Ted. Say, kiddo, dere's d' greatest bunch here youse ever 
laid eyes on ! Dere's a minister an' a rah-rah boy dat's hiding 
from d' guys outside, an' a fresh mut wot's trying t' throw me 
out'n here. So d' colleger and m'self has gone pals t' keep 
from getting bounced, and we've got d* minister guy penned 
up dere where he won't do no gassing. See? 

Les. Oh, indeed / But the lady that lives here is coming 
back in Just a minute, so if you don't want to be seen, you'd 
better beat it ! 

Ted, Say ! Tanks f 'r d' tip, kid ! And say, if d' lady 
gets wise t' us, tell her dat my name's Sumner, see? And dat 
d' other guy, not d' minister, is named Kelley, see? Will 
youse help us ? 

Les. Sure ; you bet I will ! 

Ted. Dat's good. We had t' ding d' minister guy on d* 
bean t' make him come around, — Gee! Here she comes; 
I'm off, Leslie, old kiddo I 

{ITe slips out front r., as Mary enters front \.., followed by 



28 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

Bar., with tray, which he sets on table while he gets the 
tea table and arranges it.) 

Mary. Oh, Miss Hill, I fear you will think it raost inop- 
portune, but 1 know you must be terribly hungry after your 
trip, and as dinner is not for another hour, I thought you might 
like some tea. 

Les. Oh, charmed, I'm stire ! And, Mrs. King, Miss 
Sanderson begged to be excused, as she had to go and dress. 

Mary. How strange ! I thought she had just come down 
from dressing for dinner ! (Les. smiles, and nods knowingly.') 
And I wanted her to help entertain the Rev. Mr. Frey ! Miss 
Hill, perhaps you would not mind if I asked a gentleman, who 
is also here to see Mr. Tetlow, to join us ? 

Les. Oh, charmed, I'm sure / 

Mary. He's in the next room, I believe. Barton, will you 
announce tea in the library ? 

(Bar. boivs, and crosses r.) 

Les. Oh, indeed/ Then he must be the strange gentleman 
I saw ! 

Mary. Strange gentleman ? 

Les. Oh, yes, indeed ! You see, I saw two friends of mine 
in there talking and a strange gentleman with them ! (Mary 
looks greatly surprised.) I suppose they'll come in, too ; I'll 
introduce them to you, if you'll let me. They're both per- 
fectly charming I 

Mary {bewildered). Oh, I should be delighted, only 

Enter Bar. front R. ; stands by the door, while Ted and Frey 
enter together, arm in arm, followed by Pren. 

Les. Mrs. King, do let me present my oldznA dear friends, 
Mr. Sumner 

(Mary starts, then observes the frantic signs of her brother.) 

Ted {shaking hands with Mary). I'm glad t' meet youse, 
ma'am. 

(Bar. goes out front i..) 
Les. And Mr. Kelley. 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 29 

(Pren. steps forward and seizes Mary's hand in both of his^ 
cotitorting his face meaningly?) 

Pren. Very much pleased, indeed ; very much pleased ! 
{Aside.) For heaven's sake, don't recognize me! {Aloud.') 
And let me present my most esteemed friend, the right Rev. 
Ernest Frey, rector of St. Benedict's, Heathfield Parish ! 

Frey. Oh, I assure you, I am very greatly pleased to meet 
the daughter of my old friend, Henry Tetlow, Mrs. King ; and 
no less so to form the acquaintance of Miss, — er 

Les. (shaking hands effusively ^ then clinging to his arm). 
Oh, charmed, I'm sure! I'm Miss Leslie Hill, you know. 
Pat didn't mention my name. He's so forgetful ; aren't you, 
Pat? 

{Over her shoulder y to Pren.) 

Pren. {blankly). Pat? {Light dawns.) Oh, er, — yes, 
yes! Dreadful habit, you know! — But let's have some tea; 
it's ready, isn't it, Mary, — h'm, — er, Mrs. King? 

{He laughs confusedly.) 

Mary. Quite ready, Pat Oh, I mean Mr. Kelley !— 

Miss Hill, won't you please pour? I must go and tell Barton 
that Mr. Sumner will be with us for dinner. 

Les. Oh, charmed, I'm sure ! So kind of you to ask him 
to stay, my dear ! 

{She sits doivn on the sofa before the tea table, drawing 
Frey down beside her ; Ted leans against the mantel- 
piece, and eyes the pouring process sceptically.) 

Mary {aside to Pren. ; wrathfully). What on earth does 
this mean ? 

Pren. Oh, Lord, don't make me explain now ; it would 
take a week I Just don't be surprised at anything, and pour 
oil like the dickens whenever the water gets choppy I 

Mary. But 

Pren. Oh, you don't do any butting; I'm the goat here ! 
Just back me up, and hurry ! That crowd's not safe left 
alone ! 

Mary. Very well, I'll be with you shortly,— Pat ! 



30 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

(JShe goes out front l., laughing at Pren., who makes a ges- 
ture of despair, and joins the rest.) 

Les. Oh, indeed? Isn't that perfectly rtf^f^r / You know, 
I always have just loved Episcopalian ministers; I think they 
look simply cute in their little white nighties ! (Frey ahnost 
drops his cup ; Pren. claws the air, and goes and sits on 
table L. ; Les. cofitimies breezily.') Oh, and do you know, I 
haven't even asked Mr. Sumner what his denomination is, 
though we're engaged / What are you, dear? 

Ted. I told youse I ain't not' in' now ! When I was 
in St. Louis, I was a utility outfielder, but dat guy Breshna- 
han 

Frey (wildly). Oh, really, you know, — I — I — er — let me 

take a cup of tea to Mr. — Mr.- (^He rises nervously, and 

crosses to Pren., very much agitated ; aside.) My dear sir, 
really, you know, I cannot submit to such sacrilege ; it is most 
unendurable and unpardonable ! And I cannot understand 
this strange duplicity of names ; really, my dear sir, if you 
cannot explain your position clearly to me, I shall feel called 
upon to 

Pren. Hang it, man, I can't explain ! You'll have to take 
my word that it's all right. And try not to mind these — er — 
friends of mine; they're rough diamonds, I assure you; most 
estimable people at heart ! 

Frev. Really, I am so greatly perturbed, I do not know 
what to do ! But I suppose I must endure until the arrival of 
my friend Mr. Tetlow ! 

(^Jle turjis reluctantly toward the tea table,) 

Les. [to Ted). Oh, indeed? You were really there that 
night in Milwaukee ? How perfectly dear / You know, I 
never sang so well in all my life I 

Frey. Only fancy 1 Did I understand you to say that you 
sang ? 

Les. Oh, yes, indeed ! That's my business, you know ! 

Frey (greatly delighted). Only fancy! You know, my 
reason for consulting Mr. Tetlow is through the necessity of 
filling the vacancies in our choir at St. Benedict's, in Heath- 
field Parish ! So perhaps, if my friend does not arrive, you 
might recommend some singers to me ! 

Les. Oh, yes, indeed ! I have lots of friends who are per- 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 3I 

fectly splendid ! Regular artists, you know, every one !— You 
see, at the Folies Bergeres I was the most popular girl in the 
whole chorus, and had simply /^^/^j of friends ! 

Frey {apprehensively'). But ! 

Les. {enthusiastically). Oh, I'm sure I could get you all 
the girls you want I Now there's Maybelle Thomas; my 
dear, such a stunning blonde you never saw ; — and every hair 
of it her very own, — and she never even has to so much as 
touch a curling iron to it ! 

Frey. Oh, but you know 

Les. It's perfectly wonderful, positively / — And Valerie 
St. Clair; oh, you'd simply love her to death I Such a com- 
plexion, and such glorious eyes; — just like a ^^7£/'^ — perfectly 
dear f — And the cutest nose, and her lips ! My dear, you 
simply couldn't keep yourself from kissing her ! 

Frey {greatly perturbed). Oh, oh, oh ! Really, my dear 

young lady, I ! 

Les. Oh, no, you simply couldn't ! — And then my very 
dearest friend, Viola Vanderheim ; — one of the very oldest 
Dutch families, quite obsolete, really, — but oh, my dear, her 
figure! Positively, the most gorgeous thing you ever saw; 
she might be Venus Milo her very self ! And her carriage, 
and her manner, and her walk ! — You should simply see her 
walk across the stage in the second act, in a pale blue satin 
evening gown. Oh, my dear I 

{Carried aivay, she sprifigs up, seizes her parasol, and 
strides majestically across the stage, head held high, and 
with considerable arm motion. Ted watches enthusias- 
tically, Pren. tears his hair and retreats up stage, while 
Frey trembles with perturbation.) 

Ted. Gee, great work, kid ! 

Frey. Oh, oh, oh !— Really, I Oh, oh! 

{As the scene reaches its climax, Mary e7iters front L., and 
stands amazed; at the same fnoment, a red glare shines 
through the windoiv, and grows brighter afid brighter ; 
while the noise of the celebrators, which has been increas- 
ing noticeably, suddenly swells in volume, as though the 
crowd had turned a corfier into the street belozv.- There 
appears to be some special cause for excitement, and the 
noise in a moment centres directly otitside of the house.) 



32 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

Mary. Why, have you finished tea already ? 

Frey. Really, my dear madame, I must bid you good- 
bye, and leave this house 1 I — I cannot longer endure the 
indignities which this — this 

{He eyes Les., and hesitates ; she watches hifn in surprised 
inco})iprehensiofiJ) 

Mary. Why, what do you mean ; you are going ? 

Frey. Really, I fear so, my dear madame; as rector of 
St. Benedict's and a minister of the gospel, I cannot remain 
longer in this house. Kindly inform Mr. Tetlow that I will 
communicate with him at the first opportunity. 

Les. Then you won't even consider my suggestions ? 

{Receiving fio answer j she flaunts her head, and Joins Ted 
by the sofa.) 

Mary. But I don't understand at all why you are leaving; 
and really, you must not go out just this minute; the boys 
from the college seem to have made a rendezvous here, and if 
you get among them, it is very possible that you might be 
caused great annoyance. 

{The bell rings ; Bar. crosses r.) 

Pren. Yes, yes ! You really must not go out ; you must 
stay to dinner, at least ! Perhaps you would like to have a 
little talk with my sister about her art work ; you know, she 
studied several years at the Art Students' League, in New 
York ! 

Les. Oh, indeed / You know, I posed for them there 
once, — as a water nymph ! And I almost had pneumonia 
afterward ! 

Frey. Oh, oh, oh ! Really, I ! 

{Distracted, he tries confusedly to reach the door ; King's 
voice is heard in the hall; he enters, followed by a police- 
man, Jim.) 

King. Come along, officer ; here we are ! There ; arrest 
that man ! 

{He points at Ted ; Jim approaches him.) 
Jim. You're my prisoner ! Come along, now ; lively ! 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 33 

(Les. screams y and throws her arms around Ted's neck.) 

Les. Oh, don't you dare ! That's the man you want ! 

{She points at Pren. ; Jim goes toward hi?n, but Mary 
throws her arm around her brother's ?ieck a?id pushes 
him away.') 

Mary. Don't you dare touch my brother ! You shan't 
arrest him ! 

Jim. By Godfrey ! {Sees Frey, who in the confusion has 
retreated to extreme front x..) Ah-ha ! You're the man I'm 
after, then, I guess ! Come along with you ! 

{He seizes him by the collar and drags him to the middle of 
stage.) 

Frey. Oh, I protest ! I protest ! This is some horrible 
mistake ! I am the Rev. Ernest Frey, rector of St. Benedict's, 
Heathfield Parish, and — 



King. The devil, officer, that's not the man ! But 



{He turns inquiringly toivard Les. ajid Ted, who are still in 
a clinch.) Is that the lady you came here to meet ? 

Ted. Sure it is ! Wot guy said it wasn't ? 

King. Then I humbly apologize ; I have made a big mis- 
take. {Turns.) And I must apologize to you, officer, for 
bringing you here under false pretences 

Jim. False pretences, is it, hey ? Well, in that case you'll 
do your apologizing to the judge; and there'll be a good-sized 
fine in that apology, too ! Come along, now ! 

{He seizes King by the arm.) 

King. Good Lord ! But see here ; let me explain ! I 
thought 

{He is dragged out.) 

All. Ho, ho, ho! Oh, Rufe! Wot t'ell ! My dear! 
Oh, oh, oh ! 

Mary. Oh, what can be wrong ? 

{She starts to go up stage ; Pren. follows her, but suddenly 
grabs and drags her back.) 

Pren. {intensely excited). My God ! They're climbing up 
to the window ! Quick ! Or they'll see me ! 



34 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

{^He dashes to the table, and turns out the light. The room 
is again in darkness, except for the fire, and the glare at 
the luindow.. The figures ^ Pren. and Mary move about 
confusedly a mofnent, then go out back L. Bar. goes out 
front L. ; Ted and Les. hurry into the library, leaving 
Frey alone. He runs distractedly about the room, k^iock- 
ing things over, afid finally hides behind the sofa in front 
of the fire. As Pren. turfis out the light, the front door 
is heard to slam, and a hoivl goes up from the crowd, in 
which individual cries can be distinguished : ^^You've got 
' im , Jim / " ' ' ' Ray for Jim / " ''We' II help you, Jim / ' ' 
"Don't try to escape/" ''Let's lynch 'im!" " On to 
the fail !" A voice starts to sing ' 'John Brown's Body ' ' ; 
the rest gradually take it up. As all begin to sing, and the 
procession starts^ the curtain falls swiftly.') 



ACT II 

SCENE. — The same. The r 00771 is in darkTtess, as at the end 
of Act I ; only afai7it glare shows at the wi7idoiv. In the 
distance is heard 77111 ffled cheeri7ig, atid the faint strains of 
'^ Joh7i J3ro2U7i's Body.'' 

(Frey is huddled up beside the sofafro7ifR.; after n few 
7no7ne?its he peeps cautiously over the sofa, a7id looks about 
the room. Then he rises gradually, a7id tiptoes toivard 
the window. He stimibles against a7i overturned chair, 
and dashes back to the sofa ; the7i advances again. He 
sta7ids a mo77te7it by the window, looking out, the7i feels 
his way forward, and leans agaitist the iable.~) 

Frey. Oh, oh, oh ! Upon my word, this is too terrible 1 

I must escape ! Really {Pauses.) I wonder if I might 

venture to turn up the light once more ! {^He ftwibles ti77iidly 
with the light, which suddenly flashes 07i. He Jumps.') Oh ! 
Ah, that is better ! {He looks about hi7n.) They are all de- 
parted ; such a relief ! Really, I do not believe that I could 
endure another encounter with that terrible person ! Only 
fancy ! An actress ! And I, the rector of St, Benedict's, 
Heathfield Parish ! {Words fail hi7n.') Oh, dear! I must 
at once escape this den of iniquity, which I had hoped to find 
a harbor from the frightful condition of the city without 1 
Dear, dear ! And I cannot make my escape through the 
streets on foot; I must summon a vehicle to convey me to an 
hotel. Only fancy ! And I had anticipated so pleasant an 
evening in the company of my old friend ! {He goes back r., 

and leans over telephone directory on desk. ) Let me see 

{He rambles on under his breath, thtmibing the leaves.) I be- 
lieve that the livery stable is managed by a person named 
Olcott. Only fancy ! One would associate that name rather 
with singers than horses ! 

(Bar. has entered front h. ; he obse7'ves Frey's back, a7id 
after a 77iome7if s i7ispection, 710 ds his head k7iowingly.) 

Bar. Ah ! Hat last ! Ther' 'e is, and now Hi must throw 

35 



36 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

'im hout ! Oh, Lord ! Hi 'opes the beggar doesn't show 
fight ! Hi' 11 grab 'im from be'ind, that's wot Hi'U do ! {He 
tiptoes up behind Fkey, quickly pinions his arms from behind^ 
a?id rushes him front R., and across stage.) Ho, there! 
Now Hi've got you ! Don't resist; hout you goes ! 

Frey {clinging desperately to the table in passing). Oh, oh, 
oh ! But I protest ! This is an outrage ! I beg you to hear 
me ! 

Bar. {puffing). Don't argufy ! This '11 teach you 'ow 
not to climb hinto windows ! Hout with you ! 

{Forces him nearly to the door.) 

Frey. But this is assault ! I shall summon the police « 
Oh, oh ! Release me at once ! 

{He struggles, and breaks loose ; Bar. follows, and seizes 
him again from behind, Just at the doorway ; King enters 
through it suddenly. He is considerably rwnpled.) 

King. Here ! What the devil does this mean ? Barton ! 
Leave this gentleman alone ! 

Bar. Hi can't, sir ! Hi've got to throw 'im hout ! Hit's 
master's orders that if Mister Prentice tries to henter the 



King. But, you idiot ! This isn't Mr. Prentice ! 

Bar. {releasing Frey). Wot ! 

Frey {trying to regain a sof?iewhat unsettled dignity). 
Certainly not ! I am the Rev. Ernest Frey, rector of St. 
Benedict's, Heathfield Parish, and I protest 

King. Of course ! I don't blame you in the least ! Barton, 
go down-stairs, and wait till I send for you. Quick, now ! 

Bar. Yes, sir ! ( Withdraws in disorder.) 

King {taking Frey's arm, and coming forward). And 
now, my dear sir, let me explain and apologize. There has 
evidently been a most disastrous mistake, and 

Frey. Quite correct, sir ; and, I might add, quite unpar- 
donable ! I shall inform the police at once, and institute suit 
against the inmates of this house for assault and battery ! 

King. But, my dear Mr. Frey, you must not do that ! Mr. 
Tetlow would never forget it, and I am sure that he will make 
all right again as soon as he is acquainted with the situation. 
Yon shall have full restitution ! 

Frey. Really, though, I feel almost inclined to place upon 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 37 

him the whole blame, as his presence here would have pre- 
vented everything ; whereas, after promising to meet me to-night, 
he has neglected to do so, and left me to face these terrible ex- 
periences alone ! 

King. He promised to be here to-night ? But we received 
no word of his intention ! Still, my dear Mr. Frey, I am sure 
that if you will try to forget what has happened, and will re- 
main with us until my uncle arrives 

Frey. Ah ! Your uncle, did you say ? 

King. Yes; I am Mr. King, and as my uncle's repre- 
sentative in his absence, I am sure I can promise you protec- 
tion. 

Frey. Oh, I am so relieved ! For if you represent Mr. 
Tetlow, perhaps I can execute my business with you. You 
see, 1 must leave for Boston to-morrow on a very early train, 
so if 

King. Yes, yes \ I see ! But — er — about the nature of 
this business ? 

Frey. I wish to procure two singers, a man and a woman, 
to fill the vacancies in our choir at St. Benedict's, and I depend 
upon the advice of Mr. Tetlow in my selection. 

King. Oh, I see ! — But I don't believe that I could help 

you, unless {He pauses^ then appears hit with an idea.) 

Oh, I say ! Perhaps if I could get you a couple of singers 
here, you would be able to decide whether they would do? 

Frey. Oh, really, — I (Pauses, hesitatingly.) 

King. Of course, that would be impossible, if you do not 
feel competent to judge 

Frey (with dignity). My dear sir, as rector of St. Bene- 
dict's, I am quite confident that I possess the ability to select 
proper members for its choir ! 

King. All well and good then ! I'll see what I can do. 
(He rings bell.) You had better go up to my room, and rest 
yourself before passing judgment. (Bar. appears.) Barton, 
show the Rev. Mr. Frey up to my room. (Bar. bows, and 
goes out back L., Frey following. King throws himself on 
the sofa.) Whew 1 Worse and more of it ! Now, where the 
devil am I going to produce two singers from ! I mustn't let 
one of Uncle Hen's best customers go off unsatisfied ; I must 
find something ! And what the deuce can /do ; I don't know 
beans about the blame business ! It's lucky, I don't believe 
his Reverence knows much more ! But why isn't my uncle 
here ! Lord, what a mess ! 



38 MR. KLELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

(He jumps tip, and walks up and down the room. Pren. 
enters back l., sees /lim, and comes forward jubilantly.') 

Pren. Ho, ho ! My precious jailbird ! How goes the 
life behind the bars ? Ha, ha, ha ! 

King. Oh, shut up ! I'm in the deuce of a mess, and I'll 
thank you to mind you own business ! 

Pren. Oh, you will, hey ? Well, how about a little while 
ago, when you thought it such a joke my being in trouble ? 
Come, tell us what's up! How did you get back so soon? 
Some one stand your bail ? 

King. No. The fickle populace decided it would be more 
fun to rescue me, and lynch the officer in my place. So here 
1 am. 

Pren. Hairbreadth Harry, eh ? Well, I'm mighty glad 
you got off; but if you could have seen the expression on your 
face when the cop was hauling you out, — ho, ho, ho ! 

King. Oh, shut up ! You're no one to laugh ! Do you 
know that the Rev. Ernest says that your uncle promised to 
meet him here to-night ? 

Pren. Oh, damn ! So he told me, too ! I'd forgotten. 
But hang it ! Pve got to stay here ! Don't you see, man ? 

King. No. I don't see ! You know what will happen if 
he finds you here. 

Enter Bar., back l. 

Bar. {dubiously). Beg pardon, sir; ha telegram for you, 



sir 



King. Give it to me. {Takes it.) And Barton, in future 
be careful who you try to throw out, understand ? You have 
grossly insulted one of Mr. Tetlow's most valuable customers 
and friends. Of course, if you catch young Prentice around, 
treat him as roughly as you please, but make sure you've got 
the right man. You may go. 

Bar. Yes, sir ! {Goes out front h.) 

Pren. Thanks, old fellow ; you're always so thoughtful ! 
Now let's see what's in the telegram. 

King. Oh, yes, I forgot ! {He opens and reads the tele- 
gram. A relieved smile spreads over his face.) Well, at 
last ! One bright ray of sunshine in all this gloom ! Listen ! 
"Will be home to-morrow on 8: 15; arrange to meet Rev. 
Ernest Frey on 6 : 30 from New York." Signed, H. Tetlow ! 
Well, thank heaven ! That's off my mind ! The Rev. Ernest 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 39 

must luive mixed his dates. Now you can associate with the 
rest of uii without fear of any dramatic entrance on the part of 
your uncle. 

Pren. Well, that is great ! Now let's get our happy little 
family together, and the Rev. Ernest will give us his blessing ! 

King. No, he won't ! Not unless I can get my hands on a 
couple of singers for his blessed choir to-night. You see he's 
got to go on to Boston to-morrow morning. Uncle Hen or no 
Uncle Hen. 

Pren. And you've got to get him a couple of songsters be- 
fore he'll be quite happy and serene ? 

King. That's it ! 

Pren. All right. We'll fix him out in fine shape ! We 
haven't any genuine Pattis on hand, but I'll tell you what we'll 
do. Great idea ! My friend Strong, alias Sumner, and my- 
self will stand in front of that fine red screen over there, and 
behind that screen you can operate my uncle's fine new 
Victrola ! Oh, very clever ! 

King. Don't be an ass ! Try and think of something. 

Pren, {enthusiastically). I have ! You turn on the Caruso 
stuff, we'll go through the motions, and the old duffer won't 
know the difference ! You can fix him up with a pair of blue 
glasses ! 

King. Nonsense ! It would never work in the world 1 

Pren. Oh, be a sport ! There's a chance that we might 
slip one over on the old stiff, and it would be a lark, anyway ! 
And what else is there to do? You can't materialize real 
singers out of thin air on the spur of the moment ! 

King {wavering). We-U, he did just the same as say that he 
didn't know anything about music ; and if we could manage to 
get hold of his spectacles 

Pren. Great work ! We'll fox the Rev. Ernest, and fox 
him good and plenty ! Now I'll go find Strong 

King. But the deuce ! I forgot that one of them's got to 
be a woman ! 

Pren. All right ; I guess our friend Miss Hill will assist 
us. But you be sure to capture his specs, and not let him get 
too close to her, or there'll be a riot ! — Now hustle along and 
do the Fagin act, while I coach up the rest of the cast. I'll 
wig-wag you when we're ready. 

King. All right. But for heaven's sake, don't make any 
slips ! The poor old idiot is on the verge of nervous prostration 
now, and another jolt and he'll be jumping out of the window I 



40 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

(^He goes out back l. ) 

Pren. Good enough ! By Jove, this is going to be one 
circus ! Now that I know my dear uncle is hors de combat, 
I'm beginning to enjoy life once more ! Hm ! I have a notion 
that the rest of the troupe are in the library executing a clinch 
to soft music ! I'll herald my approach by a little off stage 
business ! {^He goes back l., a?idco?nes across the stage, tramp- 
ing loudly y kicking over a chair ofi the ivay, and singing at the 
top of his voice.) Ho, la, la ! — tra, la, la ! — tum, tidy, turn, 
turn ! {Rattles handle of door a mofnent, then kicks it open. 
Pauses J apparcfitly abashed; in a surprised tone.) Oh, there 
you are ! Been looking everywhere for you ! Can you come 
in here for a moment ? I want your help, both of you. {He 
crosses L.) Oh, very clever ! 

Enter l.^s., followed by Ted. 

Les. Oh, charmed, I'm sure! What is it? Are you 
planning to get your friend out of jail ? You know, I'm just 
sure that Ted could er, — persuade the judge to let him go ! 

Pren. No; that part's all right. The rah rah Indians 
rescued him at the critical moment, and are now boiling the 
police force in oil. But our friend his Reverence threatens to 
go off mad unless Rufe can produce a couple of singers to join 
his choir. Now we can't let him do that, because he's one 
of my uncle's strong cards ; so, just to pacify him, Rufe wants 
you and me to pretend that we're singing, while he plays the 
Victrola behind that screen ! See ? 

{He finishes off triumphantly, very much pleased with his 
scheme.) 

Les. {coldly at first ; then working up to a climax). In- 
deed I Oh, really ? I see I So ! I'm to stand up and make 
faces in front of a screen, while your friend plays a phonograph 
behind it? Indeed! Well! I'll have you to understand right 
now that when my voice reaches the stage when I have to go 
into the moving picture business, you can make your plans 
to have me sent right off to the old ladies' home ; and if your 
smart friend will come around himself, I'll tell him what I 
think of his old plan in a way that he'll remember as long as 
he lives 1 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 4I 

{She flounces across stage R., and sits down on sofay with 
her back turned.) 

Ted {grinning). Gee, guy ! But youse got in wrong dat 
time 1 

Pren. {considerably wilted). Oh, Lord, but I a7n clever ! 
{Suddenly.) But — er — don't you understand, my dear Miss 
Hill, that my friend in his idea was thinking of 7ne and my 
limitations ! Of course, he had no thought of insinuating that 
you could not hold your own against any singer ; but, you see, 
he knows that I'm such a dub and an ass and a blockhead 
that 

Les. {sweetly). Oh, well, if thafs the case, I'd be charmed 
to help you out ! 

Ted. Dat's talking, kid ! 

Pren. {aside, pattifig himself on back). Oh, tact ! Won- 
derful tact ! {Aloud.) That's fine ! — Now, about getting off 
this little deception. Of course, the Rev. Ernest knows us, 
and would be suspicious ; but Rufe is going to try and make 
way with his spectacles, and I thought possibly that you might 
employ a veil or something as a disguise 

Les. Oh, my dear I How perfectly lovely ! Of course I 
can ! Why, I've got all my make-up things right in my suit- 
case ; in five minutes you won't know me ! And I can fix 
you up with the most beautiful mustache ; just take an old 
puff, you know, and 

Pren. {enthusiastically). Oh, fine ! Say, that's the right 
idea ! And we can practice up some gestures, y* know, real 
operatic 

Les. Splendid ! Come ; let's go to the library right now, 
and get started I And I'll tell you what we'll do ; we'll 

( They go out rapidly front r. ; Ted stares after them a 
moment, then a broad grin spreads over his face.) 

Ted. Say, I wonder where I come in on this, hey? I 
guess dey slipped one over on me dat time ! I'll be lucky if 
I get a job as d' official announcer ! Gee, though, it's going 
to be some show, believe me ! I wonder where d' old gink is, 
anyway ? 

Enter King, back l. 

King. Ah, Mr. Strong ! Is everything going on all right ? 
Where are the others ? 



42 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

Ted. Dey's in d' next room, doing a quick change. Gee, 
guy, I'll bet youse won't know 'em when little Leslie gets through 
wid d' grease paint box 1 

King. Grease paint, hey ? By Jove, they are playing the 
game with a vengeance ! 

Ted. Betcher life ! Say, wen dat kid starts t' do a ting, 
she does it t' rights, guy ! Believe me, some class ! 

King. I'm sure of it ! And — er — by the way, Mr. Strong, 
I hope that you have forgotten my extreme rudeness a little 
while ago ; it was due to a most regrettable mistake, and I'm 
sure 

Ted. Say, kid, nix on dat stuff ! I was just about t' ask 
youse t' slip me y'r mit becuz o' my being a bit hasty on start- 
ing someting widout putting youse wise t' who I wuz ! So 
plant it dere, kiddo ! ( They shake hands strenuously.) And 
now we're all mixed into dis togedder, hey? 

King. We do seem to be engaged in a rather complex con- 
spiracy. And now let's get everything ready for the show. 
I've made way with his glasses all right ! (^He shows ihem^ 
and crosses r., lays them on mantelpiece, then kneels in front 
of the Victrola, opening it.) Would you mind bringing that 
screen over here ? 

Ted (^getting screen). Gee ; it looks like I might be a stage 
hand, anyhow ! But say, guy ; I'd like t' get in on dis show ! 
I wonder if dey couldn't woik me in as d' chorus? I'd show 
d' Rev. Oinest d' way it ought t' be done ! (He sets down the 
screen, and trips to fro?it jnincingly .) ''Oh, goils ! Here 
comes d' duchess ! " How about it, guy? 

King. I'm sure he'd be deeply affected ! But remember ; 
he's looking for vocal talent. 

Ted. All right! I'll sing f'r d' gink! (Clogs vio- 
lently.') '* Casey Jones, — mounted to d' cabin, — Casey Jones, 

— his orders in his hand, — Casey Jones " {Stops short.) 

Say ! No kidding, guy, dere's too mucli class t' me t' ever 
break into any bush league choir ! And besides, he wouldn't 
want me ; I'd get a bigger hand from d* congregation dan he 
would ! 

King. I think you decidedly would ! — But at the present 
time, I think you'll have to hide your light under a bushel, 
and act as operator to the song factory. I'll have my hands 
full occupying the old gent's attention so that he can't watch 
the performance any too closely. And speaking of angels, I 
think I hear him coming now. You entertain him, while J go 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 43 

get Barton to watch the front door in case of any more un- 
expected arrivals. {He goes out front L.) 

Ted. Entertain him, huh ? Gee ; I'd like t' give him a 
real entertainment ! Well, here comes d' old duck ; say, I 
wish I had a disguise, too ! 

{He turns toward back L. ; Frey enters, preceded by soufids 
of some one stumbling about. He gropes his way to the 
front of the stage.) 

Frey. Oh, oh, oh ! Really, this is most embarrassing ! I 
feel utterly lost ! (He runs into 'Ved.) Oh, is that you ? 

Ted. Naw ! It's not me ! It's d' ghost of Napoleon 
Bonaparte, disguised as Carrie Nation ! 

Frey. Oh, 1 beg your pardon ! I thought that you were 
Mr. King ; but I judge by your voice that I was mistaken ! 
You see, I am in a most distressing dilemma ; I have very 
carelessly mislaid my spectacles, and without them I am 
entirely helpless ! Really, I do not possibly see how I could 
have lost them ! As I remember, I discarded them in order to 
bathe my face, and in the meantime they disappeared most 
miraculously ! But dear me, I am so perturbed and unstrung 
that I am unable to think calmly, or I should try to trace them 
in my memory. 

Ted. Say, kiddo, but y're in hard luck ! I'd like t' help 
youse, honest I would, but I ain't seen no goggles ! 

Frey. Thank you greatly for your kind interest ; I feel 
sure, however, that I shall succeed in discovering them. — Let 
me see ; where would I be most likely to lay them ? — Ah, yes ! 
Upon the mantelpiece, of course ! Now, as I remember, the 
fireplace was on this side of the room 

(He starts groping to the right ; Ted heads him back.) 

Ted. I'm afraid y'r memory's off dere, m' friend ; d' place 
)'()use wants is just in d' other direction, see ? 

Frey. Ah, indeed ? Thank you kindly ! Now really, I 
would have been most positive that as one entered the room, it 
was on the left hand side ! However, I shall search over here, 
as you advise ! {He starts L.) 

Ted. Say ! It's a crime t' take d' money off'n a guy like 
him ! 

Enter Yin^G front h-y followed by Bar. 



44 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

King. Ah, your Reverence ! Down already ? 

Frey. Ah, it is Mr. King ! At last ! Such a relief ! My 
dear sir, I am in a most perplexing situation ! I have mislaid 
my spectacles, and 1 can no longer even clearly see my way 
about ; in fact, I am quite helpless ! You have not, per- 
chance, observed them anywheres, have you ? 

King. Why, I'm very much afraid that I can't be of any 
service, much as I sympathize with you. But don't worry ; 
they'll be found, all right ! * I'll have Barton make a thorough 
search. By Jove, it's lucky that at any rate you won't need 
them to try out voices with, isn't it ? 

Frey. Really, you know, that is one of my greatest causes 
for perturbation ! I must not only secure good singers, but 
must also ascertain whether the applicants are of eminent 
presentability. In the selection of a choir, you know, it is 
most imperative 

King. Oh, of course ; I understand thoroughly ! But 
couldn't you trust me to give you a description of the personal 
appearance of the applicants? 

Frey. Oh, certainly ! That would be an excellent way of 
removing the difficulty ! I should be perfectly willing to have 
you vouch for them ! 

King. Very well ; I'll give you a word picture of each one. 
— And now, if you will sit down here, your Reverence, I think 
they will be ready to commence immediately ! (^He seats Frey 
at extreme L., and crosses R. ; aside, to Ted.) Is everything 
primed ? 

Ted. To th' minute ! 

King. Then crank her up ! {He opens the door, and 
beckofis within.) Good heavens ! What have we here? 

Enter Pren. and Les. ; Pren. is beautified with a ferocious 
mustache ; he has removed his coat, and draped himself 
in a red window curtain ; Les. has radically modified 
her coiffure, upon which she wears a bright table cover as 
a mantilla ; she has removed her traveling coat, revealing 
a dark silk shirt-waist. Both are made up heroically. 

Les. Well ! Do you think we'll make good ? 

Pren. Carramba ! {Twirls his mustache.) Lead me be- 
fore Caesar ! 

King. My word ! A fine pair of choir singers you are ! 
It's lucky he's so blind, or he'd die of heart failure in a minute ! 
— Now see here ! Don't either of you cross this line {indicating 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 45 

the middle of the stage), or the jig's up. You won't bear close 
inspection ! Now get ready, while I introduce you. (Ife 
crosses to Frey ; Pren. and Les. whisper together ; Ted 
puts a record on the Victrola.) Your Reverence, they are 
here ! Allow me to present to you Miss DeMario and Mr. 
Cheeso, the well-known oratorio singers ! 

Frey {7-isitig and starting across stage). Ah, I am delighted 
to make your acquaintances ; your names sound very familiar. 

(King stops hi?n at center of stage.) 

King. I'm afraid that you can't shake hands with them 
now ; they're very busy, er, — tuning their throats ! 

(Escorts him back.) 

Frey. Ah, I understand ! Er, — most necessary ! — Then 
could you just give me an idea of their personal appearances, 
as you promised ? 

(Les. aw^PREN. look up.) 

King. Oh, certainly ! With great pleasure ! Miss DeMario 
is of medium height, very handsome figure, light hair and com- 
plexion, beautiful features, fine carriage ; — altogether quite 
stunning, I assure you ! (Les. s?niles, aiid waves her hand ; 
Ted shows approbation.) On the other hand, Mr. Cheeso, 
though very respectable looking, is hardly to be called hand- 
some ; in fact, he is decidedly plain, his features are badly 
formed, he has no figure at all, he is a bit pigeon-toed and 
knock-kneed, and 

(Pren. breaks in excitedly.) 

Pren. A riverderci ! A riverderci ! Machen Sie schnell ! 
King. Ah, indeed? {To Frey.) He says that they are 
ready, so let us give them our attention ! 

{Sits down by Frey.) 

Pren. {aside to Ted). All ready? 

Ted. Let her go ! 

Pren. (stepping fonvard) . Ladies and gentlemen, we shall 
first sing for you La Gioconda RigoUetti, avec un morceau de 
Sans Souci ! Prestidigito ! Aliens, mes enfants ; prenez 
garde ! 



46 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

{^He and Les. strike expectant altitudes, as though ready to 
sing.) 

ViCTROLA (with the wrong record, as it gets under way). 

Uruchh ! — Skqrrrrr-trz ! — rrrzzrr-strr-st Steamboat Bill, 

— sailing down the Mississippi, — Steamboat Bill 

(Pren. and Les. fall upon Ted. ; King rushes across 
stage.) 

Pren. Shh ! Cut it ! Cut it ! 

King. For heaven's sake, what are you doing? 

Les. My dear / Do you want to queer the whole show ? 

Ted. Well, youse didn't say not'in' except dat youse wanted 
good music, so I thought 

King. Hereafter don't you do any thinking ; you crank 
the machine ! {Glances hastily at record, and slips it on.) 
Now, try again ! [He crosses to Frey, ivho is greatly be- 
wildered.') I must apologize for the interruption ; our neigh- 
bor's little boy disturbed the artists by breaking in with a very 
unsuitable obligate ; however, it shall not reoccur ! Now, if 
you are ready ! 

Pren. Bona sera ! Ungewissershreinermacherheller ! Yip- 
i-addy-i-aye ! Fi done ! {He and Les. again take their 
places. The Victrola gets a flying start, and commences to 
render a xylophone solo of " The Palms.'" Pren. and Les. 
wait expectantly, and make several false starts but no voice 
appears. Pren. exasperated.) See here; do you expect me 
to do an imitation of a set of chimes ? 

Les. Well, I should say not ! 

King. Lord! Don't tell me that I've made a mistake! 
{Crosses r.) Quick ! Stop the cursed thing ! (Removes 
record, and reads title.) " Xylophone Solo ! " I atn an idiot ! 
Well, this time there'll be no mistake ! (He puts on a new 
record, after careful examination.) Now go ahead ! (Crosses 
to Frey.) My dear sir, a very unfortunate mistake has taken 
place ; the accompanist was rendering the wrong selection 
entirely, one quite impossible to sing, you know ; in the key 
of C, all sharps and flats ! Most difficult to execute, you 
know, even on a piano ! 

Frey. Ah, yes, yes ! Most annoying ! But quite a com- 
mon affliction, I'm very sure ! It gives us great trouble in all 
our choir work ! 

King. Hush ! They're going to begin ! 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 47 

Pre.^. Sadofsky II Trovatore Dingbat ! Attendey 1 {^He 
ani Les. strike poses ; the Victrola coi7imefices, atid begins to 
pour the duet from ^^ La Boheme'^ out of its system ; Pren. 
and Les. go through the niotio?is with great energy, but little 
coherence ; Frev is both delighted and nervous, and tries sev- 
eral times to rise ; King holds him back, and tries to distract 
his attention ivith a large photograph album. Suddenly the 
Victrola heaves a sigh and drops half a tone in pitch, then 
steadily sinks ; the performers evince at first astonishment, 
then annoyance ; they try to keep ofi acting, but when only a 
deep groan issues forth, they give up iii despair ^ Pren. fran- 
tically tearing off his mustache.) Well? 
Les. I should say so ! Well ? 

King {tearing his hair, and crossing r.). What on earth 
is the matter ? 

Ted. Don't blame me ! I ain't touched it ! 
King. That's just what's wrong ! Wind the brute up; the 
mechanism has run down ! 

Pren. {investigating). That's easy to say ; but I don't see 
any crank ! And I've got a secret hunch that there isn't one 
here, nor within a hundred miles of here ! 

King. You may be right ! The machine only came from 
the factory yesterday, and probably it was left behind. Well, 
the jig's up ! You see what your fine plan came to ! 

Pren. {cheerfully). Well, there's only one other thing to 
do, since all other aid fails us ; we'll have to do the singing 
ourselves ! 

King. Oh, fine ! And then the Rev. Ernest would go 
swiftly on his way, and at once cause my uncle's license to be 
revoked, even if he didn't call in the police on the spot ! 
Les. {freezingly). Oh, indeed f Well! 
King. Oh, I mean, that is to say, if Mr. Prentice were to 

sing, or rather attempt to. You see 

Pren. No, I don't see at all ! Here you've been slander- 
ing my vocal cords, and you've never even heard them ! Now 
you can shut up for a while; I'm going to sing, and if you 
object, why, then you can sing instead ! 

King. All right ! Just as you please ! It's your funeral 
from now on. I'll pacify the victim until you're ready. 

{He returns to Frey, who is on the verge of nervous col- 
lapse.) 
Les. Oh, that will be fine / Now, what shall we sing ? 



48 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

Pren. How about " Billy " ? 

Les. N-o; it's got to be real highbrow; — though we could 
work in a lovely dance with " Billy " ! 

{She hums, and da?ices a few steps.') 

Pren. Well, if it's got to be highbrow, it's got to be. 
Hm ! See here — {to Ted) what do you suggest ? 

Ted {decisively). See here, guy, from now on youse leave 
me out'n dis deal, see ? Every time I mixes wit' dis classic 
game, I strikes a backfire, and I'm done, see? 

Pren. All right; don't get sore about it! (71? Les.) 
We'll have to think up somethi?ig / 

Les. Oh, dear, I'm sure that 

{The door-bell rings.) 

Pren. That settles it ! Here comes my uncle ! 
King {springing tip). It can't be ! Remember the tele- 
gram. And don't worry ; Barton will keep anybody else out. 

E Titer Bar., back r. 

Bar. Hi'm sorry, sir, but there's a gentleman hinsists 'e 
has an appointment with Mr. Tetlow, and won't leave, sir ! 

King. Good heavens ! Surely all these people can't have 
mixed their dates ! Show the gentleman up, Barton. {He 
motions to Ted to mount guard over Frey, which he does with 
alacrity ; to Pren.) See here, this looks devihsh like the old 
gent was due to turn up ! 

Pren. Rot ! He wouldn't have telegraphed if he hadn't 
made a sudden change of plan ! Don't worry; Pm not going 
to. Here's the new member ! 

Enter Ignatz Demarest Rogers, back r. ; he is very artis- 
tically dressed, and carries a large roll of music in one 
hand, his silk hat in the other. He glances majestically 
around, the?i bows effusively to each and every person ; he 
is, all in all, an extremely suave a7id polished proposition. 

Ignatz. Ah, ladies and gentlemen ! I greet you ! {Bows 
again.) And may I make so bold as to inquire which of you 
is Mr. Henry Tetlow, Esq. ? 

King. Why, I'm very sorry, but Mr. Tetlow is out of 
town ; however, I am his nephew, Mr. King, and if I can be 
of any assistance 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 49 

Ignatz. Ah, yes ! Thank you so much ! His nephew, 
Mr. King! {Bows agai?i.) And Mrs. King, I presume? 
{Bows /^ Les. ; much perturbation all around.) Ah, no? A 
thousand pardons, I assure you, a thousand pardons ! But 
may I make so bold as to introduce myself? My name is 
Demarest Rogers, and 

Les. Not 1. Demarest Rogers ? 

Ignatz {bowing). Ah, yes, even so ! Ignatz Demarest 
Rogers, of Schenectady ! 

Les. Really / The famous composer ? 

Ignatz. Ah, indeed, you flatter me much, much too much ! 

Les. No, indeed / Why, everybody knows who you are ! 

Ignatz. Ah, mayhap, but 

Les. Yes, indeed / Just think, it was you who wrote that 
perfectly cute song, "When I'm Thinking of Those Dreamy, 
Creamy Eyes " ! 

(Ignatz is overwhelmed ; so are the others. King breaks 
in abruptly.) 

King. And you say, Mr. Rogers, that you had an appoint- 
ment here with Mr. Tetlow to-night? 

Ignatz. Ah, no, not precisely. But he said that he would 
arrive home to-day, and I made so bold as to call at once ! 
However, if you say that he is not here, I shall take my leave. 

{He bows all around.) 

King {7noving to the door). Really, I am greatly grieved 
that my uncle is not here to receive you, but 

Les. {grabbing Pren. by the ar?n). Quick ! Don't let 
him get away! Don't you see? He can suggest a song for 
us, and play our accompaniment ! 

Pren. By Jove, you're right ! An angel unaware ! 

( They hurry up stage ; Pren. engages Ignatz in afi aside ^ 
while Les. draws King forward.) 

Les. Oh, Mr. King, we're going to get Mr. Rogers to help 
us ; so quick ! Get Ernie away from the piano I That's a 
dear ! 

King. I see! {Crosses to Frey.) My very dear sir, I 
regret unspeakably all this delay, and it must annoy you 
greatly, but it has been entirely unavoidable. We have been 
obliged to discharge the accompanist, because he could 



50 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

not modulate the correct harmonic tempo of the dominant 
sonata 

Frey. Dear me, how annoying ! And quite unpardonable ! 

King. Exactly ! A most unheard-of situation ! {He takes 
Frey's arm and pilots him across the stage y l^^D following.') 
However, our new incumbent promises to be very satisfactory ; 
he is a famous composer of symphonic arpeggios, and a past- 
master in the art of vocal orchestration 1 

Frey. Ah, indeed? 

(King pushes him into a chair just by the corner of the 
mantelpiece, while Ted moves the sofa forward so as to 
form a barrier ; they both engage him in conversation.) 

Les. {coining forward with Pren. and Ignatz). Oh, how 
perfectly sweet of you to help us out ! And you say that you 
think that will be the best thing for us to sing ? 

Pren. You know, old man, we'd much prefer to sing one 
of your own things 

Ignatz. Ah, you flatter me too much, much too much ! 
But since you say that you are not familiar with any of my 
works, I will make so bold as to suggest that you execute the 
one which I named. Now, let me see. {He unrolls fnusic, 
and moves toiuard the piano.) Arranged as a duet, it would 
be most effective to 

{They discuss the execution aside.) 

King. Yes, indeed ! Why, he plays the harp and the 
violin both at the same time 1 

Frey. How extraordinary ! Ah, it must be wonderful to 
be so talented ! 

King. Wonderful ! Wonderful ! And the years of hard 
work and training it takes ! They say that he lives for months 
at a time on a raw €:gg and milk diet when he's composing a 
masterpiece ! (Pren. waves to him.) But I think they are 
ready to begin. Hush ! We must be sure not to disturb 
them ! 

Ignatz. All ready? 

Pren. Fire ! {He and Les. get on their marks ; Ignatz 
indulges in an elaborate introduction, a7id finally gives the open- 
ing chords, 7iodding to Pren. Pren. sings.) I wa-ander on 
as in a dream ! 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 5 1 

(ZT/i- voice is not so bad but tJiat it inigJit be worse ; what he 
lacks in vocal excellence he makes up in pJiysical exertion.^ 

Les. The ear-rth a paradise would seem ! 



(Her voice is just the same as Pren.'s, only more so. King 
has a spasm ; Ted is greatly pleased ; Frey cannot ana- 
lyze his emotion^ but seejiis to divine that something is 
wrong, and attempts to rise and investigate ; he is dis- 
suaded by the combined efforts of King and Ted. Pren. 
and Les. continue to sing alternate lines, gesturing while 
singing, and standing quiet while the other perfortns ; they 
reach the chorus, and both sing together, gesticulating 
violently ; the volume of sound is immense ; King sits on 
the sofa, zvatching breathlessly, apparently helpless from 
laughter ; Ted, highly elated, follows every movement in- 
tently ; Frey is greatly perturbed, and tries several times 
to get past Ted, who shoves him back once or twice, finally 
turning fiercely ; Frey starts back and hits his head 
violently against the mantelpiece ; he rubs his head, then 
passes his hand over the offending projection, and strikes 
his missing spectacles ; ivith an exclamation of joy he puts 
them on and turns around ; Pren. a?id Les. are on the 
last lines, and are stajiding with arms passio?iately out- 
stretched to7vard each other ; Frey observes, recognizes, 
gasps audibly, aiid seeks flight through the library door ; 
Ted hears the gasp, turns, and sees him dis appear ifig ; he 
calls to King, and goes in pursuit, King followitig pre- 
cipitously.) 

REN. » LQ.yg j^g^ — ^j^fj ^^ wor-rld, — is mi-ne ! 

(Amid a crashifig climax from the piano, they throw their 
arms around each other, and indulge ifi a long kiss ; at 
this moment Mad. enters back L., recognizes Pren., and 
starts back in amazement, concealing herself behind the 
windoiv curtains. Ig^atz finishes with a flourish.) 

Les. Oh, Mr. Rogers, that was simply fine I Pm sure 

Mr. Frey {She turns, and sees that the others have gone ^ 

Well! I like that! 

Pren. Good heavens ! They're gone ! Something must 
be wrong ! 



52 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

Ignatz. Ah, doubtless ! And may 1 raake so bold as to 
suggest that we follow and investigate ! 
Les. Oil, yes; do let's ! 

{All three go out front R., hastily.) 

Mad. {coming forward^. Oh, the perfect brute ! To 
think ! And after all his protestations ! And I thought he 
was so 

Pren. {entering hurriedly). Oh, Lord ! He's found his 

specs ! {Sees Mad.) Why By Jove ! But I'm glad to 

see you again ! Where did you run off to? {She gives him a 
withering glafice, and starts to siveep inajestically up stage.) 

But what the Won't you speak to me? 1 say, what's 

wrong ? {Pauses ; aside.) 1 know ! She's trying to kid me ! 
{As she reaches the door, he whistles and calls after her.) 
Look at me, birdie ! 

Mad. {turfiing wrathfully, and coming down stage). Birdie ! 
Don't you dare call me such names ! Oh, don't you ever dare 
speak to me again ! You're a perfect brute, and a mean, hate- 
ful, deceitful thing ! I just wish 1 could Oh ! 

{She goes to pieces entirely.) 

Pren. Oh, but I say! Can't you tell me the cause of all 
this ? What reason have you for 

Mad. Reason? Then I suppose you don't consider it 
reason, and reason enough for me to hate you, that after all you 
said and told me such a short time ago, I should find you in 
the act of kissing a common, vulgar actress ! Oh, I should 
think that you'd be ashamed of yourself to stand there 
facing me ! 

Pren. But see here ; just a moment ! Let me explain 

Mad. Oh, you can explain it, can you ? I suppose that 
she has engaged you to join her ''act" as leading man, and 
you were rehearsing for the part ! 

Pren. No; but it was something on that order. (Mad. 
sniffs.) You see, this minister who is here simply has to get 
hold of two choir singers before tomorrow morning, so to pre- 
vent his being disappointed, Mr. King persuaded Miss Hill and 
myself to masquerade as applicants ! So, you see, that explains 
it all ; very simple ! 

Mad. Oh, very simple, is it? Well, I think that you're the 
simple one, to imagine that I'd swallow such a wild tale as that ! 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 



53 



My goodness ! Masquerading as a choir singer, draped in si 
briglit red window curtain, and all made up with horrid grease 
paint ! Ugh ! 

Pren. Oh, but that was only prompted by Miss Hill's artis- 
tic temperament, and 

Mad. And I suppose it was your artistic temperament that 
prompted the realism of your acting ! 

Pren. On my word, I never 

Mad. Oh, I don't want to hear any more of your excuses 
or explanations ! They're quite useless ! I thought great 
things of you, and that you were really fine and manly, but I 
see that I've been entirely mistaken and disappointed. It's all 
my own fault, of course, for trusting to first impressions ; but 
now I see things in their true light, and all must be ended be- 
tween us ! From now on you must never see me or speak to 
me again ! 

{She delivers this ultimatum heroically ^ and appears sternly 
resigned to her fate ; ho iv every she shows no intention of 
leaving the hated presence. As an accompaniment to her 
dramatic renunciation, the noise of the mob without has 
steadily and rapidly increased. Pren., in desperatiouy 
runs his hands through his hair, and tries again.) 

Pren. But see here ! I can't let you throw me down ut- 
terly this way, without letting me defend myself! Won't you 
honestly believe what I told you? {No answer.) But at least 
if I can prove to you that all I said was the truth ; that there is 
absolutely nothing between Miss Hill and myself except the 
agreement to carry out this deception ? {No answer.) Won't 
you even tell me that you'll give me this chance? Won't you 
even answer me ? Well, then, I suppose it's all off ! I'm sorry 
if I'm bothering you ; I'll beat it I {He starts to go ; turns.) 
Won't you tell me good-bye ? All right, then. {He turns to 
go ; at this moment the mob reaches the front of the house , sud- 
denly grows quiet for an instant, then howls in unison, *' We 
ivant Prentice / " Pandemonium reigns once more ; the door- 
bell starts to rins^, and continues to do so ; a fistic assault on 
the door is heard.) My God ! They've got me ! 

Mad. What! \^ that you? hx^ you ! Quick! Why 

are they after you? Didn't you pledge yourself Alpha Psi? 

Pren. No 1 Because I'd promised my uncle to go Zeta 
Epsilon ! 



54 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

Mad. And you never told me ! 
Pren. I forgot it ! — And now I'm nabbed ! 
Mad. No, no 1 You mustn't be! They don't know you're 
here, do they ? 

Pken. Of course they do ! Oh ! 

Enter King front R., then Frey, Les., Ignatz, and Ted; 
Mary enters back L., 'Q^.K., front L. 

King. What in heaven's name ! 

(^The French window crashes open, letting in a stream of 
youths arrayed in sweaters and other rough-house para- 
phernalia, all whooping wildly. Mary, Mad., and Bar 
retreat behind table, L. ; Pren., King, Ignatz and Tev 
take stand by sofa ; Les. shrieks, and throws her arms 
around Frey's neck; he struggles free.) 

First Student. We want Prentice ! Where's Prentice ? 
2D Stud. Yea ! Here he is ! (Seizes Frey.) 
All. Wow ! 

{They form a circle about Frey, and dance around him, 
howling with unholy joy.) 

Frey (breaking loose). Oh, I protest ! I protest ! This 
is most unseemly ! I am the rector of St. Benedict's, Heath- 
field Parish, and I protest 

All. Whee ! Ray for the rector ! 

(They continue as before.) 

King (interfering). See here ; I refuse to have my guest 
mistreated ! Get out of here, every one of you ! 

1ST Stud. All right. Bill ; but first we want a fellow that's 
here ! 

2D Stud. Yes, where is he ? 

All. Yes ! Prentice ! We want Prentice ! 

1ST Stud. Come on, now ; tell us which of you is Prentice, 
or we'll wreck the house ! 

King. I don't see any reason why 

1ST Stud. That's all right ; tell us which he is, quick ! 

All. Yes, yes ! 

King (stalliftg). Tell me what you want him for 

KiA. (breaking loose). Shut up! — We want Prentice ! Yea! 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 55 

{Thgy crowd forward ; Ted meets them with a hostile pose.) 

Ted. Say ! What is it youse guys want ? 

All. Prentice ! Yea, Prentice ! 

Ted. Youse is sure youse wants him? 

All. Yes, yes ! 

Ted. All right ; here I am ! 

{A moment^ s shout, then dead quiet falls ; two of the husk- 
iest invaders slip behind Ted.) 

1ST Stud. You're Prentice, are you ? 

(Ted hitches his shoulders and jaw forward, and nods 
scornfully in the affirmative.) 

2D Stud. Oh, you / At him, boys ! 

{He claps his hands ; the two huskies pinion Ted's arms 
frofn behind, two others catch up his feet ; bedlafu breaks 
loose as he is rushed through the crowd to the window. 
King and Pren. try to go to the rescue, but are driven 
back by the crowd ; Mary faiiits, to the consternation of 
Mad. and Bar. ; Les. flings herself at Frey, who re- 
treats in disorder, she landing in the arms of Ignatz, 
who supports her, sfniling bla?idly over her shoulder j as 
the curtain descends rapialy.) 



ACT III 

SCENE. — The same. The sound of cheering is still heard 
faintly in the distance. Mad. stands at the windoWy look- 
ing out ; Pren. is seated o?i the sofa in an attitude of dejec- 
tion. After a mometit, Mad. makes an angry gesture, and 
comes forward. 

Mad. Oh, I think it's a perfect shame ! I don't see how 
you could let them do it ! I suppose you feel proud of your- 
self, allowing another man to be carried off by that howling 
mob in your place ! 

Pren. (jvearily^. Oh, yes ! 1 feel proud \ terribly proud ! 
Happy, too; just like a little lark ! Gee ! 

Mad. Yes, 1 should think that you would feel that you had 
done a manly sort of thing ! 

Pren. (rising). Oh, don't rub it in ! You know I'd have 
stopped them if I'd had time to think ! He brought it on him- 
self; I wasn't entirely to blame! Besides, you were there; 
why didn't you come forward and tell them the truth? 

Mad. That was not my place. 

Pken. Yes, it was ! You know most of them ; you told 
me so ! And they'd have believed you. 

Mad. But it was 

Pren. In fact, it looks to me as though you wanted me to 
escape ! 

Mad. Really, I don't see why you 

Pren. And look here ! I thought you said you were never 
going to speak to me again ! 

Mad. {starting). Oh, I {Collects herself.) Well, 

that's not the point now. This isn't on my own account; I'm 
trying to make you see that you have done a very unworthy 
thing, and I think that you ought to at least attempt to make 
some reparation. 

Pren. But it's done now ! What can I do to help it ? 

Mad. Go out and tell them who you are ! 

Pren. But that would be insane ! There's no use giving 
myself up, because they're bound to soon find out who Strong 
really is, then they'll let him go ! (Mad. turns her back on 
him.) Oh, well, then ; if you insist, I'll go ! 

56 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 57 

{He strides over to the hat-rack and grabs his hat. Mad. 
clasps her hands delightedly ^ and turfis to watch him. 
He goes to the window ^ looks out^ claps hat on head, and 
dashes into the hall.) 

Mad. Oh ! {She runs up stagCy and calls after him.) 
Wait ! Wait ! {He reenters suddenly f and she is covered 
with confusion.) Oh, that is ! 

Pren. {hanging up hat). You don't want me to go? Is 
that it? — Isn't it? 

Mad. {retreating down stage). I mean Well, I thought 

that perhaps you were right ; that they'll find out that Mr. 
Strong isn't the man they really want, and then 

Pren. Then it wasn't for my own sake that you wanted me 
not to go, but only because of my fine logic ? 

Mad. {coldly). Exactly \ that was my only reason ! (Pauses.) 
What other reason would I have ? 

Pren. I thought that you might have cared enough about 
me myself to have wished that 

Mad. Oh, no, indeed, Mr. Prentice, I assure you that I 
have no personal interest in the affair whatever ! 

Pren. Why? Then were you just leading me on, bluffing 
me, during all that long trip ? Just trying to see how much of 
an idiot you could make me be ? 

Mad. Not exactly, but 

Pren. Then Surely you're not serious when you said 

you were through with me because of — er — what you saw? 

Mad. Yes. 

Pren. But the deuce ! That was only a fake ! We were 
only acting to help Rufe out; it was only a premeditated 
deception ! 

Mad. I can hardly believe a story that seems so unlikely, 
after what I saw ! 

Pren. But it's true ! Why, Miss Hill herself will tell 
you 

Mad. {freezingly). Please do not mention her name to 
me ! I do not care to be reminded of her existence ! 

Pren. Why do you say that ? Just because she happens 
to be an actress 

Mad. Really, I cannot consent to remain here if you con- 
tinue on the subject ! I think that you have understood me 
thoroughly, and there is no further need of prolonging the 
conversation ! 



58 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

Pren. Oh, well ! {He slwugs his shoulders, and crosses 
R. ; Mad. siveeps majestically up stage ^ l., turns at the door, 
and sees him throw hijnself on the sofa; pauses a moment, 
then throws a kiss at hitn, and runs off. Pren. grinds his 
teeth.') Well, I suppose that's nothing to be surprised at, con- 
sidering how the rest of the evening has progressed ! But oh, 
damn it all ! Why did this last have to happen ? 1 could 

have stood all the rest, but Lord ! Isn't there any way 

to prove that I'm all right? {He pauses.) Let's see ! (Les. 
enters front R. hastily ; he turns away in disgust.) The 
deuce ! 

Les. {going up stage to window). Oh, you can hear them 
still ! Goodness, I wonder what they're doing to him ? 

{She looks out.) 

Pren. {aside). There ! Behold the cause of all my woe I — 
I wonder if I couldn't get her to help me out? By Jove, I'll 
tell her the whole story ! {Aloud.) Er — Miss Hill 

Les. {coming down stage). Yes ? 

Pren. Miss Hill, I'm sorry to say that I'm in trouble ! 

Les. What, again ? 

Pren. Yes, again ; and I thought you might perhaps give 
me some advice. You see, the young lady I am engaged to 
unfortunately came into the room just at the termination of our 
little — er — masquerade, and she — er 

{He pauses, confused.) 

Les. Yes? Oh, I see! How /^rfectly lovely! And I 
suppose she thought we were in dead earnest? 

Pren. Unfortunately she got that impression, and now she 
absolutely refuses to even speak to me ! 

Les. Oh, how perfectly dear ! And now you want me to 
help you out ? 

Pren. Yes, that's just it ! But — er — you see, she says that 
she won't listen to any explanation 

Les. Not even from me ? 

Pren. Why, — no ! 

Les. The horrid thing ! — Then how can I help you ? 

Pren. Why, I don't know; but, you see, I thought that if 
she should by accident come across you making love to some- 
body else, why, she might think that you were — er 

Les. In the habit of doing it ? Oh, I see ! Won't that be 
perfectly grand ! And then she'll forgive you and make up ? 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 59 

Pren. Exactly ! 

Les. Simply great ! Now, who shall I begin on? 

Pren. {delighted^. Oh, anybody at all ! But first let me 
call Barton. {Rings bell.) He can tell the young lady that 
Riife wants her in the library, as soon as you get well under 
way. 

Les. Fine! {^k^. enters front \..) Suppose I practice on 
him ? 

Bar. Yes, sir? 

Les. {seizing his hands; languishingly). Mr. Barton, do 
you know, I think you have the sweetest eyes ! Tell me, could 
you learn to love me ? 

Bar. {spluttering). Ho, my word ! My word ! Wot 
would the missis say ? Ho, sir, make 'er stop, sir ! 

Pren. Oh, beautiful ! I don't think you need any rehears- 
ing, Miss Hill ! Now, see here, Barton ; you've got to help us 
out in a little scheme of ours. You must wait here until I give 
you the signal, then go call the young lady that's staying here, 
and tell her that Mr. Kmg wants her in the library. See ? 

Bar. But, sir, really, sir ! 

Pren. {pushing a bill into his hand). Now, that will be all 
right; just do as I say ! 

Bar. Yes, sir ! {He goes up stage.) 

Pren. Say ! I wish ministers and fiancees were as easy to 
soothe ! Now to begin ! 

Les. Who shall it be? 

Pren. Let's take a chance! {Crosses to door v^.\ bangs 
on it and shouts. ) Hey ! You, in there ! Now I'll hide, and 
you do the rest ! 

{He goes up stage and conceals himself behind window cur- 
tains with Bar.) 

Enter Ignatz, front r. 

Ignatz. Ah, may I make so bold as to ask what is wanted? 

Les. Oh, Mr. Rogers, you were just the person that I 
wanted to see ! 

Ignatz. Ah, indeed? Indeed? Oh, I'm sure you flatter 
me too much, much too much ! 

Les. Oh, no, indeed / Do you know, Mr. Rogers, I've 
felt strangely drawn to you ever since we met? 

{She goes up to hiniy and lays her hand affectionately on his 
shoulder.^ 



60 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

Ignatz {jiuite overcoine). Ah, really ! Really ! My dear 
Miss Hill, 1 

Les. Yes, itideed I And I know what you are going to say ; 
that you have felt the same eniolion ? 

Ignatz {eagerly). Yes ! Yes ! 

Les. I knew it ! Oh, Mr. Rogers, — but may I not call you 
Ignatz ? 

Ignatz. My dear lady ! Of course. Of course ! 

Les. So dear of you ! Come, do let's sit down on the sofa, 
— Ignatz ! {She draws him down beside her on the sofa; 
Pren. motions Bar. to go.) Do you know, dear Ignatz, tha 
I have long felt that I was alone in the world, that I needed a 
strong arm to protect me ; that if I could find a true knight, a 
brave man that I could love, — ah, me ! 

Ignatz. Yes, yes ! Go on ! 

Les. And then, when I saw you, — Ignatz, —my heart leaped 
with joy and gladness ! — and I thought, ah, I dreamed ! 

Ignatz {in great excitement). Yes, yes, dear lady, and 
your dream shall come true ! My heart aches for you in your 
loneliness ! Dearest, tell me ; will you be mine ? 

{He sinks on his knees before her.) 

Les. {rising; dramatically). Ah, this is too much ! Much 
too much ! My joy is overflowing ! Ah, my darling ! 

{She stretches out her anns to him.) 

Ignatz. Oh-oo ! 

{Squealing with joy, he stumbles to his feet, and flops into her 
arms; they stand entwined, he beajning blissfully over 
shoulder, she signaling frantically to Pren., who is con- 
vulsed.) 

Enter Bar., gravely. 

Bar. Hi'm sorry, sir, but she habsolutely refuses to come. 



sir 



Les. {detachinz herself). What ? Well, the nerve of her ! 
And here I've been mushing all over this soft-shelled peanut ! 

Pren. Yes, hang it all ! I'm sorry you've wasted your 
energy, but it can't be helped ! 

Ignatz {dmtibfounded). Bnt, ray darling — ! 

Les. Now, Ignatz, that will do ! Run along and roll your 
hoop ! 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 6 1 

Ignatz. Indeed, madame, am 1 to understand that I have 
been made a mock of? — Then I shall depart at once from this 
house, never to return ! 

Les. Gracious, what a blow 1 

{He crushes her with a glanccy then stalks up stage and out 

back R.) 

Pren. Well, he's gone 1 Now, Barton, you go back and 
tell the young lady that she's got to come ; that Mrs. King has 
fainted in the library. See? {^He gives him another bill.) 

Bar. Yes, sir I {^He goes out back L.) 

Pren. Now, who next ? 

Les. I don't know. Perhaps the minister ! 

Pren. Not in ten million years, unless we handcuff him I 
{The door front r. opens; Yr'S.y enters.) But speaking of 
angels Quick, try him, anyway 1 

{He conceals himself ; Les. sweeps across the stage.) 

Les. Oh, your worsliip, do you know, you are just the per- 
son whom I was looking for ! 

Frey {nervously, and trying to regain door). Ah I — Really ! 
— I^ er, — you see, I was only seeking Mr. Rogers ; we were 
discussing the subject of temperance, when to my great surprise 
he left the room 

Les. {getting between him and the door). Yes, indeed! 
He was called away suddenly on business I But Pm sure you 
won't mind; you can talk to me instead I You know, I sim- 
ply love to talk about temperance I 

Frey. Ah, indeed 1 I would hardly have thought, — er, 
that is 

Les. How dear of you 1 Do you know, Mr. Frey, I have 
felt strangely drawn toward you ever since we met ? 

{Lays her hand on his shoulder.) 

Frey {starting violently). Oh, oh! Really, you know, 
I ! 

Les. {seizing his hand). Yes, yes ! I know what you are 
going to say 1 That you have felt the same emotion 1 

Frey {pulling away). Oh, oh, oh I Really, I Dear 

me, I must I 

Les. Oh, I knew that you had 1 Oh, Mr. Frey,— but may 
I not call you Ernest ? 



62 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

Frey. Oh, oh ! My dear madame, really, as the rector of 
St. Benedict's, Healhfield Par 

Les. That's a dear ! Oh, do let's sit down on the sofa 1 
{She drags him down beside her on the sofa ; he looks despair- 
ingly at the door.) You know, Ernest, I 

{During the following, she holds him by the lapels of his 
coat, and cotitinues to talk to him.) 

Enter Bar. back l. ; Pren. grabs him. 

Bar. {in a hoarse whisper'). Beg pardon, sir, but the 
young lady's with Mrs. King 7iow, sir ! 

Pren. Oh, the devil ! Then tell her that Mr. King has 
been taken seriously ill, and that Mrs. King mustn't know of 
it! 

Bar. Beg pardon, sir, but Mr. King's there, too, sir ! 

Pren. Oh ! Then tell her there's a reporter here to inter- 
view her about her trip; tell her anything, only get her here ! 

Bar. Yes, sir ! {He goes out back l.) 

Les. Oh, yes ! You know, I always feel so weak, so help- 
less, so alone and unprotected in the world ! I feel the need 
of a strong arm around me, and a brave spirit to comfort me ! 

Frey. Oh, oh ! Really, my dear madame, I am most 
grieved to hear that, I assure you ! But — but really, much as 
I regret your position, I cannot see how I can be of any assist- 
ance except as a spiritual adviser ! 

Les. Ah, but do you not see ? Have I not said that I felt 
drawn toward you ; that something seems to tell me that you 
are the one for whom I have waited so long? {Clasps her 
arms around his neck.) Ernest, I love you ! 

Frey {sprijiging up ; wildly). Oh, oh, oh ! Release me, 
madame, release me ! Oh, this is most unseemly ! Only 
fancy ! The rector of St. Benedict's, Heathfield Parish, in the 
embrace of a female woman ! 

Les. {pursuing him). Yes ! You are my affinity ! 

Frey {retreating in terror). Affinity ! Oh, oh, oh ! 

Les. My own true Ruzzielamb ! 

Frey. Oh, oh ! 

Les. Dearest, we must be married at once ! 

Frey. Oh, gracious powers ! Only fancy ! Oh, oh ! The 
brazen creature ! Oh, my dear madame, surely you cannot be 
aware of the fact that I am already wed to a most worthy 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 63 

person, and that I am the faiher of three bouncing children ! 

Oh, oh ! To think one should ask me to 

Les. No matter ! All that is nothing to my love ! You 
must be mine, Ruzzie, my darling ! 

(^Shg throws her arms around his neck, and tries to kiss him.) 

Fkey. Oh, oh, oh ! 

{As he struggles to escape, Mary enters back L., and stands 
horrified.) 

Mary (coming forward). Good heavens, what does this 
mean ? Mr. Frey, release this young woman at once ! 

Frey. Oh, my dear madame, you come in time ! 

Mary. Stop I Do not attempt to apologize ! I am shocked 
that one in your position should conduct himself in such a 
manner under the roof of one of his friends ! It will be my 
painful duty to inform Mr. Tetlow on his return that 

Frey. But, I assure you, I — I was quite helpless, my dear 
madame ! Only fancy ! She addressed me as her " Ruzzie- 
lamb," and demanded that I commit bigamy! Oh, it is 
most — most 1 

Les. Oh / You think it is most most, do you ? Well, / 
think it is most ungallant of you to shove all the blame on a 
lady ; and I'll have you to understand that I'll call any one I 
choose my Ruzzielamb I 

Mary. Yes, Mr. Frey, you display a very ungentlemanly 
spirit indeed 1 Really, I think it would be better if we with- 
drew, so as not to cause Miss Hill any further embarrassment ! 

Frey (eagerly). Oh, my dear madame, I assure you it 
would be most desirable that we retire, and — er — leave the 
young lady's presence ! In fact, I entreat you ! 

Mary. I am glad that you perceive how you have compro- 
mised yourself. Let us go to the library. I shall see you 
later. Miss Hill. 

Frey. Permit me, my dear madame 1 

(Zr<r eagerly holds open the door for her, casts a last anxious 
glance at Les., and retreats, closing the door.) 

Les. Well I Of all the feeble-minded old koots I ever saw / 
Vk'E.^. (cofning forward). I heartily agree with you I Good 

heavens, I'm afraid our plan's going to fall through entirely I 

Who is there left ? 



64 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

{The sou7id of singing is heard without f coming fiearer.) 

Les. Gracious I I'qi afraid it will have to be the butler I 

Pren. You forget the *< missis"! — By Jove, though, I'd 
like to see you pitch into Rufe ! But we can't get hold of him 1 

Les. Maybe we could get a policeman I (^The sitiging sud- 
denly breaks into loud cheering, much closer at hand and 
approaching rapidly?) Gracious ; what's that ? Oh, they must 
be bringing my Ted back 1 {She runs to window.') 

Pren. Fine 1 He's the very one 1 I bet he won't object 1 

Les. {coining forward). Oh, do you think they've done 
anything to him ? Do you think he's safe ? 

Pren. Depend upon it ! They seem happy enough ! It 
sounds like a triumphal procession ! 

Les. Oh, really? Do you really think so? Oh, you 
darling f {She throws her arfns around his neck and kisses 
him. Mad. enters back l.) PU run call the others ! 

{She hurries out front r. ; Pren. looks after her and claps 
his hands together ; he turns toward the window, to meet 
Mad.) 

Mad. {freezingly). Oh! Rehearsing again, I suppose? 
You appear to need a great deal of practice, although you do 
seem rather letter perfect ! Pray don't let me interfere ! 

Pren. (/;/ despair). Oh, Lord / 

Mad. Barton told me that you wanted very much to see 
me. I suppose you wish to announce your engagement ? 

Pren. No ! There's not a word of truth in it ! You're 
mistaken all through ! Miss Hill was just expressing to me 
her gratitude for 

Mad. Oh ! You must have done her a very great 
service ! 

Pren. Not at all! She Oh, you can't understand 

me, because you don't want to! {The crowd, now directly 
outside, commences to sing ^' For lie's a Jolly Good Fellow I ") 
I give up ! The fates are against me ! 

Les. {rushing in, folhnved by Mary and Frey ; King and 
Bar. enter l.). Oh, just listen ! They must mean him I 

{She runs to the window, which she flings open, and zvaves 
to the crowd.) 

King. Well, Pren, your substitute seems to have made a 
great success ! 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 65 

Pren. That's a lot more than I've done ! 

{The do or -bell starts ringing violently.^ 

Bar. {greatly agitated). Shall Hi let them hin, sir ? 

King. You'd better, or they'll try the window again ! 
(Bar. goes out back.) Cheer up, old man ; maybe this time 
they'll take you out with them and make^y^w a hero 1 

Pren. I wish somebody'd take me out and kick me ! 

{The door flies open and the tide sweeps howling in, Bar. 
borne on its crest, Ted in its cefttre.) 

Crowd. "For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a 



{Hoist him up on their shoulders.) Whee ! Ray ! Speech, 
speech ! 

Ted {silencing them with a wave of his hand). Chents ! 
Youse flatter me too much, much too much ! But f 'r all dat, 
believe me, youse is all regular fellers! (*' Yea! Ray T^) 
An' I want t' tell youse right here dat next spring we's'll go 
over and trim dem guys wot tied d' can t' youse last season so 
bad dat dey'U never get out'n d' bush leagues d* rest of dere 
lives! {Wild response.) An' now, chents, I'll have t' slip 
youse d' mit f'r d' rest of th' evening, 'cuz I've got er date 
here wit' me friend wot runs d' joint ! 

( Wild applause ; he is set down, and shakes hands with his 
captors.) 

1ST Stud. All together, now, fellows; a long cheer for 
Coach Strong, then beat it ! 

2D Stud. All together, now, — one ! two ! three ! 
All. Raeton ! Raeton ! Raeton ! 

Rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah ! 

Strong I Strong ! Strong ! 

{Still cheering, they go out ; as they reach the street, they 
start singing ''Good-night, Ladies'' ; the outside door 
closes.) 

Les. {at the 7vindow, waving). Oh, the darlings ! {Comes 
forward.) My dear ! You're a real hero I 

{She throws her arms around Ted.) 

Ted. Say, kid, but dat's some crowd ! Did youse tink I 
was lost ? 



66 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

Les. No, indeed ! 

Ted. Dat's d' stuff! And now we's all happy again! 
Friends, I do myself d' great honor t' introduce youse t' me 
future partner in d' firm ! 

( General exclamation.^ 

Mary. Really? Let me congratulate you ! 
King. And allow me 

{They all shake hands.') 

Les. Oh, and I'm sure Ernest will perform the ceremony; 
won't you, dear? {She takes Frey's arm.) 

Frey. Oh, really, my dear young lady, I should be most 
charmed, most charmed ! I shall be unspeakably happy to see 
you — er — safely married, — and to this estimable young man ! 

Ted. Say, kiddo, youse is on ! Me friends, we's'll adjoin 
t' th' library, and I'll put youse all wise t' th' line of bull I 
slipped dose guys ! 

{They all move r.) 

King. It certainly seems to have been very effective ! 
Ted. Say, it paralyzed 'em ! 

{They go out ; Pren., next to last, shuts the door swiftly ^ 
and faces Mad.) 

Pren. Well ? 

Mad. Oh ! {She goes across stage, L.) 

Pren. What have you to say now ? Was I right ? 

Mad. Ye-es, — I suppose so ! 

Pken. You suppose so ? Aren't you sure? 

Mad. Yes, I meant that I was sure. It was my mistake I 

Pken. And you forgive me ? 

Mad. Of course ! There is nothing to forgive on your 



part 

Pren. Then you still think of me as you did before? 
Everything is the same ? 

Mad. N-o, — everything isn't the same, yet — because — I 
still owe you an apology 

Pren. No ! No ! It was very natural, after what you 
saw, to think 

Mad. No, because I knew all along that you were only 
acting ! 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 67 

Pren. You did? 

Mad. Yes 

Pren. How ? 

Mad. Because it was such bad acting ! 

Pren. Then you really beheved in me ? 

Mad. Yes ! . . -n :» 

Pren. {taking her hand; softly). And believe in me still f 
Enough to take a chance on always believing in me ? 
Mad. Yes ! 
Pren. My dearest ! 

{He starts to embrace her ; Bar. enters front \..y observes, 
and splutters loudly.) 

Bar. Ho, my, sir! Hi beg pardon, sir! Hi've seen 
nothink hat all, sir ; habsolutely nothink, sir ! Hi was only 
going to hannounce dinner, sir! {Crosses l. stiffly ; aside.) 
My eye ! Hi must tell the missis ! {Throws open the library 
door.) Dinner his served ! , • u . 

Pren. {wrathfully). My unlucky star is still on the job 1 
Mary {entering front r., followed by the others). Very 
well. Barton. Gracious, it's time 1 I'm sure you must all be 
starved ' Your Reverence, will you take Miss Hill out? And 

Mr. Strong ? {Offers her arm.) Rufe, you will have 

to come with the young people, since you are the odd man. 

{She starts out front l.) 

King Thanks ! You honor me too much, much too much 1 
—Come along, the rest of you ! {He follows the others out.) 
Pren. Wait ! I must speak to you now ! 
Mad. {crossing to fireplace). Are you sure you can't wait 

till after dinner ? .„ , • j 

Pren. No ! I won't leave this room till you ve promised 

to marry me ! . , .1. . 

Mad. Goodness gracious! Don't you know that we 
haven't been introduced yet ? 1 t ^ 

Pren. Oh, hang introductions ! You know who I am, and 
I don't care who you are just so long as you'll say that you 11 
be Mrs. Prentice in the future ! 

Mad. Are you quite sure you don't care who I am ? 

Pren. Positive ! ^ , , • i. . 

Mad. H'ml But just think! You're nothing but a 

freshman 1 



68 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

Pren. No, I'm not ! Not by a long shot ! Listen 1 I 
only came here because my uncle wished it, because it was 
either this or a consular berth in Russia, and I couldn't see 
Russia with a spy-glass. But now it's all different ; I'll chuck 
college, and then we'll go to Russia together 

Mad. But isn't it terribly cold there? 

Pren. No, indeed I Steam heat, and all modern improve- 
ments ; and think of the caviar 1 

Mad. But aren't you Mr. Tetlow's nephew? I understood 
that you were to be his heir, if you complied with certain con- 
ditions 

Pren. Yes, and fine conditions they were I Why, he 
wanted me to marry a girl I'd never even met 1 

Mad. But you've never met me 1 

Pren. Oh, that's different 1 This was some special protegee 
of his, a perfect fright, just the sort of a lemon that an old fos- 
sil would pick out as a pippin I 

Mad. Oh, indeed ! 

Pren. Yes ; and rather than consent to marrying her, I let 
the old gent disinherit me 1 

Mad. And you'd throw away the chance to become a rich 
man just for me ? 

Pren. Yes I I'd even throw away the chance of a college 
career for you I 

Mad. Noble youth I We-11, — I suppose you know best 

Pren. Then you'll marry me ? 

Mad. Perhaps I — I'll think about it at least, — though, — it 
hardly seeins fair to the girl your uncle wants you to take 1 

Pren. Oh, deuce take her, anyway ! What's the use of 
considering a frump of an old maid? {^He seizes her hand.) 
Promise me that you'll marry me ! 

Mad. And go to Russia ? 

Pren. Yes 1 

Mad. {lireamily). I 2\^z.-^?, yearned to go to Russia 1 

Pren. You angel 1 

(^He grabs her in his arms, and kisses her ; as he does so, 
the outside door is heard to sla7n, and footsteps are heard.) 

Tetlow {off stage'). Barton 1 Hallo, Barton 1 
Pren. Good God ! My uncle I 

{He dashes to table and turns out light.) 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 69 

Mad. But what do you care if he does see you ? 
Pren. Rufe I He'd be in an awful mess 1 Quick, into 
the library I 

Enter Tet., back r. 

Tet. What's this I No lights? 1 thought I saw them 
from the street! (Pren. stiwibles.) Who's that? Quick, 
speak out 1 (^He springs to tlu desk in corner back R., fum- 
bles in drawer, and comes forward.') Throw up your hands! 
(ZT^ flashes a pocket searchlight and levels a revolver at Pren., 
ivho throws his arms around yipcD., to shield her ; a pause ; 
T^T. switches ojf the ligJit.) Oh I Pardon me ! You needn't ! 
But if there is no objection, I'll turn up the light and see who 
you are 1 (^He moves toward the table.) 

Pren. {in a whisper). Quick ! The door I 

Mad. No, — wait ! {^The lights flash on.) 

Tet. And now if Clarence! And you! Well, well, 

well ! {He gazes at them, stupefied.) 

Pren. {defiantly). Yes, ray dear uncle, you find me be- 
neath your roof, in spite of all your commands ! However, 
you'll be happy to learn that I intend to take my departure at 
once ! 

Tet. Why, you mustn't run off like that, my boy I 

Pren. I'm sorry ; I know why you say that, — because you 
want me to stay and meet your protegee, whom you have kindly 
selected as the proper wife for me \ but I might as well tell you 
here and now that I'm already engaged to be married to a girl 
of my own choice ! 

Tet. But what the dickens do you mean, then, by em- 
bracing this young lady? You young rascal, what do you 
mean 

Pren. I mean that she is to be my future wife ! 

Tet. What? {Stares in blank astonishment; then sees.) 
Why ! Ho, ho, ho I 

Pken. What the devil, sir ! 

Tet. Hold on ! Don't you even know who you are en- 
gaged to? 

Pren. Of course I do ! 

Tet. Then Well, well ; it makes me very happy, all 

the same, no matter what game you're working on me ! My 
dear Madelaine 1 {He goes over and takes her hand.) 

Pren. Madelaine I Why ! 

Mad. I said you should have been introduced first I 



70 MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

(Pren. stands amazed ; tJie others enter front L.) 

Mary. What is the matter ? Uncle ! Here at last 1 

(^Kisses Jiim.) 

Tet. Yes, here 1 am 1 Glad enough, too I But come ; 
do you all know the good news ? 
King. What's that ? 
Tet. Look 1 

(^He points; Pren. and Mad. are standing close together 
beside the fireplace. They look up, confused^ as the others 
turn toward them.') 

Mary. Oh, yes I Of course we knew ! 

Pren. What I You knew all along ? 

Mary. Of course ! 

King. Don't you believe it I She only knew a moment 
ago, when I told her 1 

Pren. Then, young man, you're in for the finest thrashing 
you ever had I 

King. Oh, no, Pm not I Don't blame me for knowing 
what some one else told me I Pm not the guilty party 1 

Pren. Then who the deuce is ? 

King. Behold the culprit ! {He points at Mad.) 

Pren. You ! 

Mad. No, no I 

Pren. Then who is? 

Mad. {confusedly). Oh 1 I There I 

{She points at Frey.) 

Frey. Oh, oh, oh ! Really, my dear sir, I assure you I 
had nothing whatever to do with it ; nothing whatever, I assure 
you 1 

Ted. Dat's right ! He's not d' guy I I'll be d' goat 
again ; last time I was made a hero f'r it I 

Les. Yes, indeed/ and you will be this time; won't he, 
dear? {She takes Frey's arjn affectionately.) 

Frey (slightly perturbed). Oh, undoubtedly, undoubtedly I 

Pren. Well, I don't care I I'll forgive everybody I Pve 
been the goat the most of any of you, but Pve gotten the best 
reward, so I'll make no protest ! {He takes Mad.'s hand.) 

King. Bravo 1 And now that we're all a happy family 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO "Jl 

once more, I'm sure that Mr. Frey will give us his blessing, 

and then 

Frey. Oh, certainly ; with the greatest of pleasure, I assure 
you 1 Bless you, bless you I {Pauses ; looks around tificer- 
taitily at all.) And now, if 1 might suggest it, the — er, — 
dinner ? {^The curtain falls swiftly.^ 



CURTAIN 



\m 8 19^2 



^titti 50 €ent$i €acl^ 



TIfF MAfilSTRATF Farce in Three Acts. Twelre males, four 
1UI4 iTiAUioiiXAli^ fejnales. Costumes, modem; scenery, all 
interior. Plays two bours and a half. 

THE NOTORIOUS MRS, EBBSMITP ^T* ,*" J""/ ^f 

El. >■ • males, fire females . 
Costumes, modem ; scenery, all interiors PL ys a full evening. 

THF PROFI l(lATF Pl^-y in Four Acts deven males, fire females. 
IUI4 lUUiMUAlLi Scenery, three interiors, rather olaborate ; 
costumes, modem. Plays a full evening. 

THE SCHOOLMISTRESS farceim^reeAets.Ninemales,seven 
females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, 
three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

TBE SECOND MRS. TANQDERAY ^aCflvHeml,. T^ 

tumes, modern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

SWEET LAVENDER ^**™®^y ^ Three Acts. Seven males, four 
females. Scene, a single interior; costumes, 
modern. Plays a full evening. 

THE TIMES ^<^"^®**y ^ F<^"^ ■^<'*'*- six males, seven females. 
Scene, a single interior ; costumes, modem. Plays a 
full evening. 

THE WEAKER SEX ^°°^®^y ^ Three Acts. Eight males, eight 
females. Costumes, modem ; scenery, two 
Interiors. Plays a full evening. 

A WIFE WITflODT A SMILE '^l '",'^r ^\ """ 

^ males, four females. Costumes, 
modem ; seene, a single interior. Plays a fall evening. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

Walttv ^. T5a^tv & Company 

Ho. 5 Hamilton Place, Bodton^ Massachusetts 



1 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

015 940 044 A 



Ctje milium Wunn Ctiitton 
of Paps 



AS Yftll I WV IT Comedy in Five Acts. Thirteen males, four 
AiJ lUU I4II1.I4 11 females. Costumes, picturesque ; scenery, va- 
ried. Plays a full evening. 

CAMIT 1 F 1^^'^^3, in Five Acts. Nine males, five females. Cos- 
S^AallLtLiLt tumes, modern ; scenery, varied.. Plays a full evening. 

INfiOMAR I*^*y ^'^ Five Acts. Thirteen males, three females. 
ttliUvlTliilV Scenery varied ; costumes, Greek. Plays a full evening. 



MARY STUART Tragedy in Five Acts. Thirteen males, four fe- 
iiiiilVl iJlUillil males, and supernumeraries. Costumes, of the 
^period , scenery, varied and elaborate. Plays a full evening. 

THE MERCHANT OF VENICE .'J.XfS^ef i?„X; ^;S^^. 

(picturesque ; scenery varied. Plays a full evening. ' 

RirHFT IFIl -^^^y ^^ Five Acts. Fifteen males, two females. Scen- 
JVlvilL<L<lL<LI ery elaborate ; costumes of the period. Plays a full 
evening. 

THF RIVAT S Comedy in Five Acts. Nine males, five females. 
1 llLt III T AUJ Scenery varied ; costumes of the period. Plays a 
full evening. 

SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER ^i^loiS SlZi^'LJS^^ 

ried ; costumes of the period. Plays a full evening. 

TWELFTH NIGHT; OR, WHAT YOU WILL Sr'/eu^Jh?. 

three females. Costumes, picturesque ; scenery, varied. Plays a 
full evening. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

Walttt 1$. TBafier & Company 

No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 

•> 4„ PARKMILl. & CO.. PRINTERS, iiOSTOM, u.s»..». 



